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Funny one-liners

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  • Funny one-liners

    Post them up!


    I went to a garage sale. "How much for the garage?" "It's not for sale."
    -- Steven Wright

    I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The weatherman on
    TV was confused. "It was supposed to be hot today." -- Steven Wright

    I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said
    to the guy, "Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is
    traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything
    happen?" He said, "I don't know." I said, "I don't want your job."
    -- Steven Wright

    Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the
    ocean would be if that didn't happen. -- Steven Wright
    '02 GTI
    [Routis '04] [Opus 90W] [160GB Maxtor HD]
    [Lilliput 7" TS] [VIA M10000] [XMPCR]
    [512MB RAM] [Custom housing]
    [Deluo GPS Mouse] [E-MU 0404 Soundcard]
    Progress Meter: [==============|] 99.9%

  • #2
    I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
    -- Steven Wright

    Even snakes are afraid of snakes. -- Steven Wright

    It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay
    right up there. Hunters would be all confused. -- Steven Wright

    I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies". So I did.
    Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars". -- Steven Wright
    '02 GTI
    [Routis '04] [Opus 90W] [160GB Maxtor HD]
    [Lilliput 7" TS] [VIA M10000] [XMPCR]
    [512MB RAM] [Custom housing]
    [Deluo GPS Mouse] [E-MU 0404 Soundcard]
    Progress Meter: [==============|] 99.9%

    Comment


    • #3
      Change the title to "Not very funny one liners", the first one was mildly amusing, the rest just awful.
      Audi S8 supercar
      Modded Xbox 400GB HD
      Rear 7" screen & navplus

      Toyota Hiace Van
      Shuttle PIII 866 256Mb 10GB OPUS powered
      MediaCar & Mappoint 2004
      Custom fit 7" TFT VGA TSK

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      • #4
        They are hilarious! I love them. He has a ton more, but I dont want to post everything from the same guy.
        '02 GTI
        [Routis '04] [Opus 90W] [160GB Maxtor HD]
        [Lilliput 7" TS] [VIA M10000] [XMPCR]
        [512MB RAM] [Custom housing]
        [Deluo GPS Mouse] [E-MU 0404 Soundcard]
        Progress Meter: [==============|] 99.9%

        Comment


        • #5
          You would have to hear the delivery of Steven Wright to really appreciate them.
          His one liners are 90% delivery.
          [H]4 Life
          My next generation Front End is right on schedule.
          It will be done sometime in the next generation.
          I'm a lesbian too.
          I am for hire!

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          • #6
            I bought a can of used paint, it came in the shape of a house.

            I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

            I accidently put my car key into my front door, so I took it for a drive.

            Steven Wright is the best.

            Comment


            • #7
              Yeah his monotonic demeanor is classic. I cant wait to see that movie cigarettes and coffee (or coffee and cigarettes, I can never remeber which order it is, and they are both movies that came out this year)
              '02 GTI
              [Routis '04] [Opus 90W] [160GB Maxtor HD]
              [Lilliput 7" TS] [VIA M10000] [XMPCR]
              [512MB RAM] [Custom housing]
              [Deluo GPS Mouse] [E-MU 0404 Soundcard]
              Progress Meter: [==============|] 99.9%

              Comment


              • #8
                eh
                Signature: [==||========] 20% complete

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                • #9
                  ....
                  :My Car and Regular Computer:
                  http://home.comcast.net/~krypt2nite

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                  • #10
                    My favorite of all time. I live in TN and I do not think I have ever heard this one...

                    "There's an old saying in Tennessee -- I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee -- that says, fool me once -- shame on -- shame on you. You fool me, you can't get fooled again." -- George W. Bush (Sept. 17, 2002)
                    Aultl
                    [====---] - 65% complete
                    Status: Configuring Software
                    VIA Epia 800mhz, 256Mb ram, 10Gb HD


                    Quote of the Month: "I see the problem, [The RAID controller] is trying to rebuild the array with good data from a failed drive." -- HP Support

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                    • #11
                      How bout'

                      "I once spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone."
                      or
                      "The electricity went out the other night and I was hungry for a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. So I used the flash on my camera so I could see. The nieghbors called the police and reported Lightning going off in my house and now I have 153 pictures of a PB and J being made."
                      or
                      "I once walked my dog from NY to florida. Now I don't have to walk him anymore."

                      He is the best.
                      Aura MR62 (F and R)
                      My Current MP3s
                      IamDefiler.com

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