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  • Air Traffic Control humor

    Not sure how many pilots/sim enthusiasts here will get the humor, but I found it pretty darn funny. Collected from the 'Short Final' section on avweb.com:

    "While flying the Santa Monica VOR-A approach tonight, I heard SoCal
    approach say..."
    Approach: November XXXX say again type.
    NXXXX: We're a Beech 19. You know, the little one.
    Approach: Roger. So what you're saying is you're a little son of a Beech.

    --

    (Three runways, two intersections and a lesson in geometry.) While
    doing touch and goes at my home airport...
    Tower: Experimental XYZ, cleared to land 17, hold short of 35.
    Me (without thinking): Roger, cleared on 17, hold short of 35.
    (Several seconds later.)
    Voice on frequency: I want to see this!
    Another voice: Me, too!
    Tower: Uh, Experimental XYZ, make that hold short of 22.
    Voice: Darn!

    --

    (Overheard May 15, 2004.)

    Tower: Landing traffic, be advised that there's still a turkey on the runway.
    Pilot (speaking immediately): Tower, Cessna ### clear of the active.
    Tower: Thank you ... (laughter) ... but I meant the real turkey.

    --

    Overheard December 18, 2003, at a local gliderport...
    "A moment of silence everyone, for today we celebrate the 100th
    anniversary of the tow plane."

    --

    Taxing back for a departure on Rwy 23 at Morristown (MMU), I noticed a
    group of 10 or so snow geese walking across the taxiway toward the
    runway. I paused for a moment and started to maneuver in behind the
    group of waterfowl. Then I heard ...
    GROUND CONTROL: Cessna 123, those things are really a pain in the tail
    feathers.
    ME: Some one is going to have to teach them a lesson.
    GROUND: (refering to a Citation on short final) It looks like they are
    going to get that lesson.
    UNIDENTIFIED: "Mmmm -- Pate!"

    --

    A controller I know has his personal aircraft hangered at the local
    Muni airport. Facing his hangar is another that houses a Green Cessna
    210. One day that Cessna came into his sector. My controller friend
    recognized the N number and the exchange follows...

    Controller: N123, is that airplane painted green?
    Pilot: Uh, yes. ...Why?
    Controller: Just checking our new color radar.

    --

    Back in the 70's, BOAC (British Airways) flew into O'Hare Chicago and
    their call sign was "Speedbird"...

    O'Hare: Speedbird xxx slow to 200 kts.
    Speedbird xxx: Sorry, running late, need to keep the speed up.
    O'Hare: Ok, turn right 90 degrees and keep your speed up.
    Speedbird xxx: Errr, how long would we be on that heading?
    O'Hare: 'Till you slow to 200.
    Speedbird xxx: Roger, slowing to 200

    --

    Overheard en route out of Morristown, NJ (MMU) to Covington, KY (CVG)...

    Departure Control: Continental ABC turn left heading 240 degrees and
    climb to 11,000.
    [long pause]
    Departure Control: Continental ABC, Simon says turn left heading 240
    degrees and climb to 11,000.
    Continental ABC: Roger, left turn 240 and up to 11,000, Continental ABC.

    --

    Control: Continental XXX give me a good rate please through FL100?
    Continental XXX: Well sir, we are doing 2000fpm
    Controller: Could you make it 3000 fpm?
    Continental XXX: No Sir.
    Controller: Oh ... do you not have a speedbrake?
    Continental: Yes sir, I do, but that is for MY mistakes, not for YOURS!

    --

    As I was heading across the Desert a few monthes back, at the height
    of the Iraqi war, and wanting to cut through R2515 around Edwards Air
    Force Base, I had the following exchange with Joshua Approach...
    Joshua Approach, Musketeer 123 requesting transition through R2515.
    Joshua: Restricted area currently off limits, but let me talk to them
    at Edwards.
    (About 20 seconds of dead air and then Joshua came back to me.)
    Joshua: Musketeer 123, Proceed through the restricted area as
    requested, they need some practice on slow targets.

    --

    Overheard while flying east from Dayton...
    Approach: Cirrus 123, what's your speed?
    Cirrus 123: Now showing 200kts over the ground on the GPS.
    Unknown Pilot on Frequency: That's one fast-moving cloud!

    --

    The July 3-20 Inventing Flight celebration in Dayton, Ohio, kicked off
    this weekend with a hot air balloon launch and a visit by President
    Bush. Events celebrating 100 years of flight will continue at various
    locations through the year Nearly fifty yars ago when I was a NAVCAD
    (Naval Aviation Cadet), one of our classmates had an accident. One of
    the accident board members asked him what he thought caused the
    accident. His reply: "Well sir, I ran out of airspeed, altitude and
    ideas all at the same time."

    --

    We often have strong winds in Texas. But they usually pick a direction
    and stay put. This particular night while returning to home base at
    ADS, the ATIS said the winds were 150 at 15 (right down the runway).
    Since I was getting a real workout on the controls, I called for a
    wind check.
    Tower: "Variable, 120 to 180, 22 gusting to 32."
    Me: (With sarcasm) "Oh, that sounds like fun."
    Tower: "We've got the cameras rolling."

    --

    Seen on a Yahoo Message Board regarding a story about a pilot who
    Sunday made a successful emergency landing on a freeway in Anaheim,
    Calif.: "THIS JUST IN - Chicago Mayor Richard Daley plans to carve
    giant "X"es into the Riverside Freeway at midnight tonight."

    --

    Frustrated Controller at LaGuardia on a busy day: "Skyhawk 735 do a
    one minute 360 for spacing on the final".
    Veteran, cool, knowledgeable pilot "A standard rate-turn 360 degrees
    takes two minutes"
    Controller: "Do a 180 and back 'er in".

    --

    More from our "Flying IS fun" file... I took my cousin for a plane
    ride a few years ago. After an hour, we headed back to DuPage airport.
    The last 10 minutes of the flight were quiet, with almost no
    conversation. About six miles out, I keyed the mic and opened my mouth
    to contact the tower, when all of a sudden my cousin shouts loudly,
    "HEY, LOOK, THERE'S A NAKED LADY DOWN THERE BY THE SWIMMING POOL!" My
    mouth was still open and the mic button was still pushed.

    --

    Overheard following a Lear's very steep climb out of Teterboro:

    Controller: "Lear 12345, after retrieving your passengers from the
    tail section, contact departure..."
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  • #2
    hahahaha that was funny.
    I didnt get the second one?
    would the one with joshua be a wise and safe move to say? What if they only got the first part?
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    • #3
      The joke with the second one is that runway 17 and runway 35 are the same piece of pavement. Runway are numbered according to the direction they face. Each runway has two names, describing the rounded up, shortened version of the magnetic heading. Eg, if you land on runway 17, you're landing on a piece of pavement that faces roughly 170 degrees on the compass. If you land on runway 35, it's the exact same runway, but you're landing from the other direction.

      'Land and hold short' means, "Land on this runway, but stop before you cross an intersecting runway". The direction given is impossible, since it's the same runway. Hence, the joke. I swear, it's hilarious.
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      • #4
        I thought that no one but us pilots would get some of those, especially that one
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        • #5
          You're right....we didn't

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          • #6
            Here is the other one that I don't think non-pilots would get

            Seen on a Yahoo Message Board regarding a story about a pilot who
            Sunday made a successful emergency landing on a freeway in Anaheim,
            Calif.: "THIS JUST IN - Chicago Mayor Richard Daley plans to carve
            giant "X"es into the Riverside Freeway at midnight tonight."
            There was an airport in Chicago that, for reasons still unknown, was permanantly shut down literally in the middle of the night without warning by Mayor Daley. The way you mark a closed runway is to paint (or in this case, carve) X's into the runway.
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            • #7
              Actually, a lot of people here might know the airport. Remember the default airport that Microsoft Flight Simulator used to start you in since... forever? It was the one where you were looking out at Chicago with that skyscraper that has Batman ears. That was Meigs field, the one that Mayor Daley (apparently illegally) shut down. He wanted the airport destroyed so the land could be sold to condo owners. The FAA is very unhappy with him, and there's some lawsuitarity coming.
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              • #8
                im a fairly avid flight simmer myself and have been playing fs2k4 (multiplayer 99.995% of the time) for quite a while. the only ones i didnt get were the second one and the yahoo message board story. other than that, great selection of funnies. i almost busted a gut

                edit: just found this hilarious bit

                Originally posted by [url=http://www.avweb.com/newswire/11_03a/shortfinal/188996-1.html]AVweb[/url]
                Short runway, shorter fuse, and usually carrying less animated cargo...

                Tower: Understand you're without cargo today. If you're light, cleared for runway 6.

                N1234: All I have on board is my wife ... and she's heavy, but not THAT heavy.

                (pause)

                Tower: Roger N1234, and she's flying with you, now?

                N1234: Yep, she's got her headset on and is punching the heck out of me. Cleared to land runway 6, N1234.

                Tower: Copy. ...We'll roll the trucks.

                now this one ought to be hard for those not familiar with aviation:
                Eager Flyer...

                A student pilot was on a cross country solo flight to Santa Barbara. Eager to fly "heavy metal" he contacts approach at 5,500 feet for flight following...

                N12345: ...approach, Cessna 12345 checking in at flight level 550.

                Approach (after a long pause): Roger, Cessna 12345 ... you can contact NASA at 368.2 for further advisories!
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                • #9
                  Originally posted by Vchat20
                  im a fairly avid flight simmer myself and have been playing fs2k4 (multiplayer 99.995% of the time) for quite a while. the only ones i didnt get were the second one and the yahoo message board story. other than that, great selection of funnies. i almost busted a gut

                  edit: just found this hilarious bit




                  now this one ought to be hard for those not familiar with aviation:

                  Hahaha in the Cessna you couldn't even breathe at that altitude!!!!
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                  • #10
                    You fly? That's cool. My friend is becoming a pilot

                    The jokes were funny... esp. the one about the cameras rolling
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                    • #11
                      Originally posted by choyak
                      Hahaha in the Cessna you couldn't even breathe at that altitude!!!!
                      That's not.... entirely accurate. There are plenty of pressurized Cessnas, from the 210 to the various jets, etc.
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                      • #12
                        i think the point of the joke was he was up so high, the only aircraft that "commonly" enters that altitude is the space shuttle.

                        for those who didnt get the joke, he was at 5,500 feet whereas flight level 550 is 55,000 feet. BIG difference.
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                        • #13
                          Ooh, just a little more...


                          The following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline pilots and
                          control towers around the world. Remember that all pilots on that
                          frequency, in that area, hear the conversations.
                          ================================================== ==
                          Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"

                          Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
                          ================================================== ===
                          "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."

                          "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

                          "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
                          ================================================== ====
                          From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue:

                          "I'm f...ing bored!"

                          Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself
                          immediately!"

                          Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
                          ================================================== ====
                          O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a
                          Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."

                          United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the
                          little Fokker in sight."
                          ================================================== ====
                          A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight.

                          While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your
                          last known position?"

                          Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
                          ================================================== ========
                          A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out
                          after touching down.

                          San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of
                          the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit
                          off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
                          ================================================== ========
                          There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing
                          because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked."

                          Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a

                          B-52 that had one engine shut down.

                          "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."
                          ================================================== ========
                          Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around and
                          returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.

                          A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was the
                          problem?"

                          "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the
                          flight attendant. "It took us a while to find a new pilot."
                          ================================================== ========
                          A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the
                          following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance
                          time?"

                          Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."

                          Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in
                          Germany. Why must I speak English?"

                          Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because
                          you lost the bloody war."
                          ================================================== ========
                          Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency
                          124.7"

                          Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after
                          we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

                          Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact
                          Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"

                          Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we
                          copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."
                          ================================================== =======
                          One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of
                          the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out,
                          turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.

                          Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,
                          "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"

                          The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with areal

                          zinger:
                          "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have
                          enough parts for another one."
                          ================================================== =======
                          While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight
                          departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.

                          An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:

                          "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto
                          Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's
                          difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it
                          right!"

                          Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now
                          shoutinghysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take
                          forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
                          "Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

                          Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent

                          after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging
                          the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every
                          cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.

                          Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone,
                          asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"
                          ================================================== ===============================
                          The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a
                          short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking
                          location, but how to get there without any assistance from them.

                          So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the
                          following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways
                          747, call sign Speedbird 206.

                          Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

                          Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

                          The PA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

                          Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

                          Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

                          Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been
                          to Frankfurt before?"

                          Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."

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                          • #14
                            OMG, those are hilarious! Very good. Got every single one of 'em.

                            Here's some jokes of actual things said during the safety briefing by the flight crew.

                            All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight
                            "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some
                            real examples that have been heard or reported:
                            > ************************
                            > On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the
                            pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will
                            be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance
                            the appearance of your flight attendants."
                            > *************************
                            > On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your
                            belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's
                            something we'd like to have."
                            > ****************************
                            > There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only
                            > 4 ways out of this airplane"
                            >
                            > **************************
                            > "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving
                            us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
                            > **************************
                            > As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone
                            voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
                            > ****************************************
                            > After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a
                            flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when
                            opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure
                            as hell everything has shifted."
                            > *************************
                            > From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight
                            > 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the
                            buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if
                            you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public
                            unsupervised."
                            > ***********************
                            > "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from
                            the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face.
                            > If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before
                            assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small
                            child, pick your favorite."
                            > **************************
                            > Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but
                            we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember,
                            nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
                            > *******************************
                            > "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an
                            emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our
                            compliments."
                            > ******************************
                            > "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
                            > Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight
                            attendants.
                            > Please do not leave children or spouses."
                            > ****************************
                            > And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased
                            to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately,
                            none of them are on this flight!"
                            > ***************************
                            > Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake
                            City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a
                            bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't
                            the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight
                            attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."
                            > ***************************
                            > Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
                            particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain
                            was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight
                            Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain
                            in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's
                            left of our airplane to the gate!"
                            > ****************************
                            > Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We
                            ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the
                            terminal."
                            > **************************
                            > An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his
                            ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required
                            the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile,
                            and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of
                            his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye,
                            thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had
                            gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said,
                            "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the
                            pilot.
                            > "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot
                            down?"
                            > ************************
                            > After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with,
                            Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and
                            the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate.
                            > And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced,
                            we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the
                            terminal."
                            > *************************
                            > Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank
                            you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane
                            urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope
                            you'll think of US Airways."
                            > ************************
                            > A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a
                            comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the
                            intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to
                            Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead
                            is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now
                            sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few
                            minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and
                            Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to
                            you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my
                            lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled,
                            "That's nothing.
                            > You should see the back of mine!"
                            > ************************
                            > Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish
                            to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you
                            can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."
                            Progress Meter:

                            [|||||!||||'] 95% complete

                            It's in... it's finally installed!!!! But never finished!

                            "It works! It works! I've finally invented something that works!" -- Doctor Emmit Brown

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                            • #15
                              Your everyday carpc geek and tech guru at your service. *bow*

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