1. Darque Pervert's tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
2. When Darque Pervert plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
3. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Darque Pervert instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
4. Darque Pervert recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
5. Darque Pervert built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
6. Darque Pervert's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF Darque Pervert!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't **** with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
7. Darque Pervert sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Darque roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
8. To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Darque Pervert smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
9. The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Darque Pervert--more than meets the eye, Darque Pervert--robot in disguise," and starred Darque Pervert as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.
10. Darque Pervert was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Darque omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
11. Darque Pervert lives by only one rule: No fat Chicks.
12. When Darque Pervert's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Darque said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Darque Pervert."
13. Darque Pervert once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
14. A man once asked Darque Pervert if his real name is "Charles". Darque Pervert did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
15. Darque Pervert does not sleep. He waits.
16. Darque Pervert can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".
17. Darque Pervert once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and **** on their floor, just because he's Darque Pervert.
18. Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Darque Pervert is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.
19. Darque Pervert took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong.
20. Darque Pervert found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.
21. The chief export of Darque Pervert is pain.
22. Darque Pervert doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the **** out of viruses. That's why Darque Pervert never gets ill.
23. Darque Pervert frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the **** out of little kids.
24. Darque Pervert once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.
25. One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that ****** did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Darque Pervert.
26. Darque Pervert punched a woman in the vagina when she didn't give him exact change.
27. Darque Pervert is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
28. After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Darque Pervert. His reasoning? It was more "humane".
29. If you can see Darque Pervert, he can see you. If you can't see Darque Pervert you may be only seconds away from death.
30. Darque Pervert ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children who just bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying Darque Pervert calmly says, "I'll give you something to cry about," and roundhouse kicks them in the face.