French Military History

**smashr2k** · 03-15-2003, 01:23 PM

French Military History in a Nutshell
The Complete Military History of France

- Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.

- Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."

-Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

- Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

- Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

- War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

-The Dutch War - Tied

-War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

-War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

- American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."

- French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

- The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

- The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

- World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

-World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

- War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu

- Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

- War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.

The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should not be "Can we count on the French?" but rather "How long until France collapses?" "Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an accordion. All you do is leave behind a lot of noisy baggage."

**hijinks21** · 03-15-2003, 01:30 PM

ever see the site that was selling the old ww2 french rifles?

never fired, dropped once.

**mikeinsanmarcos** · 03-17-2003, 12:16 PM

Actually, that might offend some sensitive people..

**dx84crx** · 03-17-2003, 12:39 PM

"Going to war without France is like going duck hunting without your accordion."

~ Donald Rumsfeld, U.S. Secretary of Defense

- - - - - - - -

"As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure." Jacques Chirac,
~ President of France

"As far as France is concerned, you're right." Rush Limbaugh

- - - - - - - -

"They've taken their own precautions against al-Qa'ida. To prepare for an attack, each Frenchman is urged to keep duct tape, a white flag, and a three-day supply of mistresses in the house."

~ Argus Hamilton

- - - - - - - -

"Somebody was telling me about the French Army rifle that was being advertised on eBay the other day -- the description was, 'Never shot. Dropped once.'"

Rep. Roy Blunt (MO)

- - - - - - - -

"The French will only agree to go to war when we've proven we've found truffles in Iraq."

"What do you expect from a culture and a nation that exerted more of its national will fighting against DisneyWorld and Big Macs than the Nazis?"

~ Dennis Miller

- - - - - - - -

Raise your right hand if you like the French...

Raise both hands if you are French.

- - - - - - - -

"You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates Americans, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. He is French, people."

~ Conan O'Brien

- - - - - - - -

"I don't know why people are surprised the French don't want to help us get Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get the Germans out of France."

~ Jay Leno

- - - - - - - -

Q. What did the mayor of Paris say to the German Army as they entered the city in WWII?

A. Table for 100,000 m'sieur?

- - - - - - - -

"The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching into Paris under a German flag."

~ David Letterman

- - - - - - - -

"Do you know how many Frenchmen it takes to defend Paris? It's not known, it's never been tried."

~ Rep. R. Blount (MO)

- - - - - - - -

"Do you know it only took Germany three days to conquer France in WWII? And that's because it was raining."

~ John Xereas, Manager, DC Improv.

**felix99** · 03-17-2003, 01:50 PM

no comment on this!
I think this forum is not for political discussion

**jol** · 03-17-2003, 02:00 PM

not me either.

**themurph1018** · 03-17-2003, 02:20 PM

I agree with smashr2k. Sorry if I offend anyone but the French are a bunch of useless assholes. If we didnt save them they would be speaking german right now. If we didnt rebuild them they would still be poor. We send them a hell of alot of money to rebuild after they go and lose their wars and they cant even support us when we need to go to war. We dont even need their help. The navy seals and royal marines will rip apart iraq.

Just my 2 cents.

**jol** · 03-17-2003, 02:28 PM

You should have stopped at "Sorry if I offend anyone".

**ShinkunoNamida** · 03-17-2003, 02:44 PM

Originally posted by hijinks21
ever see the site that was selling the old ww2 french rifles?

never fired, dropped once.

actually you got this one totally wrong.. this one was about the italians. France never surrendered in ww2 they fought and loss.. it's about the italians.

**felix99** · 03-17-2003, 03:54 PM

You should have stopped at "Sorry if I offend anyone".

YES!
Buy yourself a good history book a read a bit in it before posting !

Don't you never question what you are told ??

think a bit!

And declaring a hole country as useless assholes - damn that's intelligent!

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