Funny one-liners

**judoGTI** · 08-19-2004, 10:34 AM

Post them up!

I went to a garage sale. "How much for the garage?" "It's not for sale."
-- Steven Wright

I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The weatherman on
TV was confused. "It was supposed to be hot today." -- Steven Wright

I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said
to the guy, "Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is
traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything
happen?" He said, "I don't know." I said, "I don't want your job."
-- Steven Wright

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the
ocean would be if that didn't happen. -- Steven Wright

**judoGTI** · 08-19-2004, 10:36 AM

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
-- Steven Wright

Even snakes are afraid of snakes. -- Steven Wright

It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay
right up there. Hunters would be all confused. -- Steven Wright

I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies". So I did.
Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars". -- Steven Wright

**craigyb** · 08-19-2004, 11:20 AM

Change the title to "Not very funny one liners", the first one was mildly amusing, the rest just awful.

**judoGTI** · 08-19-2004, 01:04 PM

They are hilarious! I love them. He has a ton more, but I dont want to post everything from the same guy.

**frodobaggins** · 08-19-2004, 05:31 PM

You would have to hear the delivery of Steven Wright to really appreciate them.
His one liners are 90% delivery.

**Adam432823** · 08-19-2004, 05:34 PM

I bought a can of used paint, it came in the shape of a house.

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

I accidently put my car key into my front door, so I took it for a drive.

Steven Wright is the best.

**judoGTI** · 08-19-2004, 09:50 PM

Yeah his monotonic demeanor is classic. I cant wait to see that movie cigarettes and coffee (or coffee and cigarettes, I can never remeber which order it is, and they are both movies that came out this year)

**Nic** · 08-20-2004, 01:11 AM

eh

**krypt2nite** · 08-20-2004, 02:04 AM

....

**aultl** · 08-22-2004, 12:58 AM

My favorite of all time. I live in TN and I do not think I have ever heard this one...

"There's an old saying in Tennessee -- I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee -- that says, fool me once -- shame on -- shame on you. You fool me, you can't get fooled again." -- George W. Bush (Sept. 17, 2002)