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Thread: Air Traffic Control humor

  1. #11
    FLAC Chairboy's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by choyak
    Hahaha in the Cessna you couldn't even breathe at that altitude!!!!
    That's not.... entirely accurate. There are plenty of pressurized Cessnas, from the 210 to the various jets, etc.
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  2. #12
    Maximum Bitrate Vchat20's Avatar
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    i think the point of the joke was he was up so high, the only aircraft that "commonly" enters that altitude is the space shuttle.

    for those who didnt get the joke, he was at 5,500 feet whereas flight level 550 is 55,000 feet. BIG difference.
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  3. #13
    What can I say? I like serial. Curiosity's Avatar
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    Ooh, just a little more...


    The following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline pilots and
    control towers around the world. Remember that all pilots on that
    frequency, in that area, hear the conversations.
    ================================================== ==
    Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"

    Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
    ================================================== ===
    "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."

    "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

    "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
    ================================================== ====
    From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue:

    "I'm f...ing bored!"

    Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself
    immediately!"

    Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
    ================================================== ====
    O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a
    Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."

    United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the
    little Fokker in sight."
    ================================================== ====
    A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight.

    While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your
    last known position?"

    Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
    ================================================== ========
    A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out
    after touching down.

    San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of
    the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit
    off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
    ================================================== ========
    There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing
    because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked."

    Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a

    B-52 that had one engine shut down.

    "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."
    ================================================== ========
    Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around and
    returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.

    A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was the
    problem?"

    "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the
    flight attendant. "It took us a while to find a new pilot."
    ================================================== ========
    A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the
    following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance
    time?"

    Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."

    Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in
    Germany. Why must I speak English?"

    Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because
    you lost the bloody war."
    ================================================== ========
    Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency
    124.7"

    Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after
    we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

    Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact
    Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"

    Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we
    copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."
    ================================================== =======
    One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of
    the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out,
    turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.

    Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,
    "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"

    The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with areal

    zinger:
    "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have
    enough parts for another one."
    ================================================== =======
    While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight
    departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.

    An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:

    "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto
    Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's
    difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it
    right!"

    Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now
    shoutinghysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take
    forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
    "Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

    Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent

    after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging
    the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every
    cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.

    Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone,
    asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"
    ================================================== ===============================
    The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a
    short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking
    location, but how to get there without any assistance from them.

    So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the
    following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways
    747, call sign Speedbird 206.

    Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

    Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

    The PA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

    Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

    Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

    Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been
    to Frankfurt before?"

    Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."

  4. #14
    Maximum Bitrate carpcnoobie's Avatar
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    OMG, those are hilarious! Very good. Got every single one of 'em.

    Here's some jokes of actual things said during the safety briefing by the flight crew.

    All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight
    "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some
    real examples that have been heard or reported:
    > ************************
    > On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the
    pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will
    be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance
    the appearance of your flight attendants."
    > *************************
    > On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your
    belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's
    something we'd like to have."
    > ****************************
    > There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only
    > 4 ways out of this airplane"
    >
    > **************************
    > "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving
    us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
    > **************************
    > As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone
    voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
    > ****************************************
    > After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a
    flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when
    opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure
    as hell everything has shifted."
    > *************************
    > From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight
    > 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the
    buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if
    you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public
    unsupervised."
    > ***********************
    > "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from
    the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face.
    > If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before
    assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small
    child, pick your favorite."
    > **************************
    > Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but
    we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember,
    nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
    > *******************************
    > "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an
    emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our
    compliments."
    > ******************************
    > "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
    > Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight
    attendants.
    > Please do not leave children or spouses."
    > ****************************
    > And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased
    to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately,
    none of them are on this flight!"
    > ***************************
    > Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake
    City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a
    bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't
    the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight
    attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."
    > ***************************
    > Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
    particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain
    was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight
    Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain
    in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's
    left of our airplane to the gate!"
    > ****************************
    > Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We
    ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the
    terminal."
    > **************************
    > An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his
    ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required
    the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile,
    and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of
    his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye,
    thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had
    gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said,
    "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the
    pilot.
    > "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot
    down?"
    > ************************
    > After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with,
    Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and
    the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate.
    > And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced,
    we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the
    terminal."
    > *************************
    > Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank
    you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane
    urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope
    you'll think of US Airways."
    > ************************
    > A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a
    comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the
    intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to
    Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead
    is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now
    sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few
    minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and
    Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to
    you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my
    lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled,
    "That's nothing.
    > You should see the back of mine!"
    > ************************
    > Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish
    to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you
    can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."
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  5. #15
    Maximum Bitrate Vchat20's Avatar
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    Your everyday carpc geek and tech guru at your service. *bow*

  6. #16
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    Awesome posts! I've gotten every one of them! And caught the hiccups once from laughing too much.

    So, anyway... I've logged 40 hrs or so in a buck-52 and another 40 in a Cherokee. And about 2000 in MS Flt Sim. My question is, if I've been able to do a loop in a Cessna (with full realisim on) in MS Flt Sim, can I do it in real life, or will the wings instantly fall off? (note that Cessna's aren't rated for aerobatics = no loops).

    My license has long since expired, but if I can scare the crap out of my passengers (aka: co-workers), then it might be worth getting re-certified!!!
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  7. #17
    Maximum Bitrate Vchat20's Avatar
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    cant really say on the wings falling off. usually when i fly in ms flightsim, i have the relaism turned all the way down (except for the unlimited fuel. i like to fly till im out of fuel and try to coast the bird in to the nearest airport. which reminds me of a story which ill mention below). my landings suck major donkey balls. if i ever "try" to hit the runway, i either end up short and taxi in to the actual runway, or i end up far out and still have to taxi in. rarely do i make a "perfect" landing. nowadays i dont even bother hitting the runways and just try to actually hit the airport so that the gps and fshost registers the landing.

    but, i remember one time (a couple days ago actually), that i was flying a 747 out of KDEN i think it was. i was doing a pretty decent hop from KDEN to CYYC (as part of a long list of hops on the Can-Am server). i was already pretty low on fuel when i took off. it was reading around 150,000lbs. and when you are flying full throttle the whole way, it dont help on the gas mileage either. anyways, about 50 miles out the engines died on me. now this was te first time i ever witnessed an empty tank situation so i was like "wth?". anyways, after about 5 minutes of fumbling, i finally found out that i ran out of fuel. well, i ended up leaving the autopilot on as it was, but i set the altitude to 0 and the VS to -100 so that it would decend slowly and not try to stay up at its preset altitude and stall out. thinking realism here, i tried to start up the enignes again thinking that there might be a little bit left in the tanks. no dice. so coasted in. landed about 3 miles out and JUST barely made it to the fuel pump at CYYC. that was some scray ****
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  8. #18
    Maximum Bitrate carpcnoobie's Avatar
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    I'm a pretty good flight simmer.. It has definately inspired me to go for my license.
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  9. #19
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    Vchat, for actual realism, you'd want the engine-out checklist for the 747 which should indicate best glide speed. I think that's around 250 knots, you'd find it on a good checklist or the POH. Trim it for that speed, and you cover the maximum distance.
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  10. #20
    What can I say? I like serial. Curiosity's Avatar
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    Something you guys might enjoy.

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