Air Traffic Control humor
Not sure how many pilots/sim enthusiasts here will get the humor, but I found it pretty darn funny. Collected from the 'Short Final' section on avweb.com:
"While flying the Santa Monica VOR-A approach tonight, I heard SoCal
Approach: November XXXX say again type.
NXXXX: We're a Beech 19. You know, the little one.
Approach: Roger. So what you're saying is you're a little son of a Beech.
(Three runways, two intersections and a lesson in geometry.) While
doing touch and goes at my home airport...
Tower: Experimental XYZ, cleared to land 17, hold short of 35.
Me (without thinking): Roger, cleared on 17, hold short of 35.
(Several seconds later.)
Voice on frequency: I want to see this!
Another voice: Me, too!
Tower: Uh, Experimental XYZ, make that hold short of 22.
(Overheard May 15, 2004.)
Tower: Landing traffic, be advised that there's still a turkey on the runway.
Pilot (speaking immediately): Tower, Cessna ### clear of the active.
Tower: Thank you ... (laughter) ... but I meant the real turkey.
Overheard December 18, 2003, at a local gliderport...
"A moment of silence everyone, for today we celebrate the 100th
anniversary of the tow plane."
Taxing back for a departure on Rwy 23 at Morristown (MMU), I noticed a
group of 10 or so snow geese walking across the taxiway toward the
runway. I paused for a moment and started to maneuver in behind the
group of waterfowl. Then I heard ...
GROUND CONTROL: Cessna 123, those things are really a pain in the tail
ME: Some one is going to have to teach them a lesson.
GROUND: (refering to a Citation on short final) It looks like they are
going to get that lesson.
UNIDENTIFIED: "Mmmm -- Pate!"
A controller I know has his personal aircraft hangered at the local
Muni airport. Facing his hangar is another that houses a Green Cessna
210. One day that Cessna came into his sector. My controller friend
recognized the N number and the exchange follows...
Controller: N123, is that airplane painted green?
Pilot: Uh, yes. ...Why?
Controller: Just checking our new color radar.
Back in the 70's, BOAC (British Airways) flew into O'Hare Chicago and
their call sign was "Speedbird"...
O'Hare: Speedbird xxx slow to 200 kts.
Speedbird xxx: Sorry, running late, need to keep the speed up.
O'Hare: Ok, turn right 90 degrees and keep your speed up.
Speedbird xxx: Errr, how long would we be on that heading?
O'Hare: 'Till you slow to 200.
Speedbird xxx: Roger, slowing to 200
Overheard en route out of Morristown, NJ (MMU) to Covington, KY (CVG)...
Departure Control: Continental ABC turn left heading 240 degrees and
climb to 11,000.
Departure Control: Continental ABC, Simon says turn left heading 240
degrees and climb to 11,000.
Continental ABC: Roger, left turn 240 and up to 11,000, Continental ABC.
Control: Continental XXX give me a good rate please through FL100?
Continental XXX: Well sir, we are doing 2000fpm
Controller: Could you make it 3000 fpm?
Continental XXX: No Sir.
Controller: Oh ... do you not have a speedbrake?
Continental: Yes sir, I do, but that is for MY mistakes, not for YOURS!
As I was heading across the Desert a few monthes back, at the height
of the Iraqi war, and wanting to cut through R2515 around Edwards Air
Force Base, I had the following exchange with Joshua Approach...
Joshua Approach, Musketeer 123 requesting transition through R2515.
Joshua: Restricted area currently off limits, but let me talk to them
(About 20 seconds of dead air and then Joshua came back to me.)
Joshua: Musketeer 123, Proceed through the restricted area as
requested, they need some practice on slow targets.
Overheard while flying east from Dayton...
Approach: Cirrus 123, what's your speed?
Cirrus 123: Now showing 200kts over the ground on the GPS.
Unknown Pilot on Frequency: That's one fast-moving cloud!
The July 3-20 Inventing Flight celebration in Dayton, Ohio, kicked off
this weekend with a hot air balloon launch and a visit by President
Bush. Events celebrating 100 years of flight will continue at various
locations through the year Nearly fifty yars ago when I was a NAVCAD
(Naval Aviation Cadet), one of our classmates had an accident. One of
the accident board members asked him what he thought caused the
accident. His reply: "Well sir, I ran out of airspeed, altitude and
ideas all at the same time."
We often have strong winds in Texas. But they usually pick a direction
and stay put. This particular night while returning to home base at
ADS, the ATIS said the winds were 150 at 15 (right down the runway).
Since I was getting a real workout on the controls, I called for a
Tower: "Variable, 120 to 180, 22 gusting to 32."
Me: (With sarcasm) "Oh, that sounds like fun."
Tower: "We've got the cameras rolling."
Seen on a Yahoo Message Board regarding a story about a pilot who
Sunday made a successful emergency landing on a freeway in Anaheim,
Calif.: "THIS JUST IN - Chicago Mayor Richard Daley plans to carve
giant "X"es into the Riverside Freeway at midnight tonight."
Frustrated Controller at LaGuardia on a busy day: "Skyhawk 735 do a
one minute 360 for spacing on the final".
Veteran, cool, knowledgeable pilot "A standard rate-turn 360 degrees
takes two minutes"
Controller: "Do a 180 and back 'er in".
More from our "Flying IS fun" file... I took my cousin for a plane
ride a few years ago. After an hour, we headed back to DuPage airport.
The last 10 minutes of the flight were quiet, with almost no
conversation. About six miles out, I keyed the mic and opened my mouth
to contact the tower, when all of a sudden my cousin shouts loudly,
"HEY, LOOK, THERE'S A NAKED LADY DOWN THERE BY THE SWIMMING POOL!" My
mouth was still open and the mic button was still pushed.
Overheard following a Lear's very steep climb out of Teterboro:
Controller: "Lear 12345, after retrieving your passengers from the
tail section, contact departure..."