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Thread: Air Traffic Control humor

  1. #1
    FLAC Chairboy's Avatar
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    Air Traffic Control humor

    Not sure how many pilots/sim enthusiasts here will get the humor, but I found it pretty darn funny. Collected from the 'Short Final' section on avweb.com:

    "While flying the Santa Monica VOR-A approach tonight, I heard SoCal
    approach say..."
    Approach: November XXXX say again type.
    NXXXX: We're a Beech 19. You know, the little one.
    Approach: Roger. So what you're saying is you're a little son of a Beech.

    --

    (Three runways, two intersections and a lesson in geometry.) While
    doing touch and goes at my home airport...
    Tower: Experimental XYZ, cleared to land 17, hold short of 35.
    Me (without thinking): Roger, cleared on 17, hold short of 35.
    (Several seconds later.)
    Voice on frequency: I want to see this!
    Another voice: Me, too!
    Tower: Uh, Experimental XYZ, make that hold short of 22.
    Voice: Darn!

    --

    (Overheard May 15, 2004.)

    Tower: Landing traffic, be advised that there's still a turkey on the runway.
    Pilot (speaking immediately): Tower, Cessna ### clear of the active.
    Tower: Thank you ... (laughter) ... but I meant the real turkey.

    --

    Overheard December 18, 2003, at a local gliderport...
    "A moment of silence everyone, for today we celebrate the 100th
    anniversary of the tow plane."

    --

    Taxing back for a departure on Rwy 23 at Morristown (MMU), I noticed a
    group of 10 or so snow geese walking across the taxiway toward the
    runway. I paused for a moment and started to maneuver in behind the
    group of waterfowl. Then I heard ...
    GROUND CONTROL: Cessna 123, those things are really a pain in the tail
    feathers.
    ME: Some one is going to have to teach them a lesson.
    GROUND: (refering to a Citation on short final) It looks like they are
    going to get that lesson.
    UNIDENTIFIED: "Mmmm -- Pate!"

    --

    A controller I know has his personal aircraft hangered at the local
    Muni airport. Facing his hangar is another that houses a Green Cessna
    210. One day that Cessna came into his sector. My controller friend
    recognized the N number and the exchange follows...

    Controller: N123, is that airplane painted green?
    Pilot: Uh, yes. ...Why?
    Controller: Just checking our new color radar.

    --

    Back in the 70's, BOAC (British Airways) flew into O'Hare Chicago and
    their call sign was "Speedbird"...

    O'Hare: Speedbird xxx slow to 200 kts.
    Speedbird xxx: Sorry, running late, need to keep the speed up.
    O'Hare: Ok, turn right 90 degrees and keep your speed up.
    Speedbird xxx: Errr, how long would we be on that heading?
    O'Hare: 'Till you slow to 200.
    Speedbird xxx: Roger, slowing to 200

    --

    Overheard en route out of Morristown, NJ (MMU) to Covington, KY (CVG)...

    Departure Control: Continental ABC turn left heading 240 degrees and
    climb to 11,000.
    [long pause]
    Departure Control: Continental ABC, Simon says turn left heading 240
    degrees and climb to 11,000.
    Continental ABC: Roger, left turn 240 and up to 11,000, Continental ABC.

    --

    Control: Continental XXX give me a good rate please through FL100?
    Continental XXX: Well sir, we are doing 2000fpm
    Controller: Could you make it 3000 fpm?
    Continental XXX: No Sir.
    Controller: Oh ... do you not have a speedbrake?
    Continental: Yes sir, I do, but that is for MY mistakes, not for YOURS!

    --

    As I was heading across the Desert a few monthes back, at the height
    of the Iraqi war, and wanting to cut through R2515 around Edwards Air
    Force Base, I had the following exchange with Joshua Approach...
    Joshua Approach, Musketeer 123 requesting transition through R2515.
    Joshua: Restricted area currently off limits, but let me talk to them
    at Edwards.
    (About 20 seconds of dead air and then Joshua came back to me.)
    Joshua: Musketeer 123, Proceed through the restricted area as
    requested, they need some practice on slow targets.

    --

    Overheard while flying east from Dayton...
    Approach: Cirrus 123, what's your speed?
    Cirrus 123: Now showing 200kts over the ground on the GPS.
    Unknown Pilot on Frequency: That's one fast-moving cloud!

    --

    The July 3-20 Inventing Flight celebration in Dayton, Ohio, kicked off
    this weekend with a hot air balloon launch and a visit by President
    Bush. Events celebrating 100 years of flight will continue at various
    locations through the year Nearly fifty yars ago when I was a NAVCAD
    (Naval Aviation Cadet), one of our classmates had an accident. One of
    the accident board members asked him what he thought caused the
    accident. His reply: "Well sir, I ran out of airspeed, altitude and
    ideas all at the same time."

    --

    We often have strong winds in Texas. But they usually pick a direction
    and stay put. This particular night while returning to home base at
    ADS, the ATIS said the winds were 150 at 15 (right down the runway).
    Since I was getting a real workout on the controls, I called for a
    wind check.
    Tower: "Variable, 120 to 180, 22 gusting to 32."
    Me: (With sarcasm) "Oh, that sounds like fun."
    Tower: "We've got the cameras rolling."

    --

    Seen on a Yahoo Message Board regarding a story about a pilot who
    Sunday made a successful emergency landing on a freeway in Anaheim,
    Calif.: "THIS JUST IN - Chicago Mayor Richard Daley plans to carve
    giant "X"es into the Riverside Freeway at midnight tonight."

    --

    Frustrated Controller at LaGuardia on a busy day: "Skyhawk 735 do a
    one minute 360 for spacing on the final".
    Veteran, cool, knowledgeable pilot "A standard rate-turn 360 degrees
    takes two minutes"
    Controller: "Do a 180 and back 'er in".

    --

    More from our "Flying IS fun" file... I took my cousin for a plane
    ride a few years ago. After an hour, we headed back to DuPage airport.
    The last 10 minutes of the flight were quiet, with almost no
    conversation. About six miles out, I keyed the mic and opened my mouth
    to contact the tower, when all of a sudden my cousin shouts loudly,
    "HEY, LOOK, THERE'S A NAKED LADY DOWN THERE BY THE SWIMMING POOL!" My
    mouth was still open and the mic button was still pushed.

    --

    Overheard following a Lear's very steep climb out of Teterboro:

    Controller: "Lear 12345, after retrieving your passengers from the
    tail section, contact departure..."
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  2. #2
    Bowel movement jjh221's Avatar
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    hahahaha that was funny.
    I didnt get the second one?
    would the one with joshua be a wise and safe move to say? What if they only got the first part?
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  3. #3
    FLAC Chairboy's Avatar
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    The joke with the second one is that runway 17 and runway 35 are the same piece of pavement. Runway are numbered according to the direction they face. Each runway has two names, describing the rounded up, shortened version of the magnetic heading. Eg, if you land on runway 17, you're landing on a piece of pavement that faces roughly 170 degrees on the compass. If you land on runway 35, it's the exact same runway, but you're landing from the other direction.

    'Land and hold short' means, "Land on this runway, but stop before you cross an intersecting runway". The direction given is impossible, since it's the same runway. Hence, the joke. I swear, it's hilarious.
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  4. #4
    Raw Wave wizardPC's Avatar
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    I thought that no one but us pilots would get some of those, especially that one
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  5. #5
    Zac
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    You're right....we didn't

  6. #6
    Raw Wave wizardPC's Avatar
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    Here is the other one that I don't think non-pilots would get

    Seen on a Yahoo Message Board regarding a story about a pilot who
    Sunday made a successful emergency landing on a freeway in Anaheim,
    Calif.: "THIS JUST IN - Chicago Mayor Richard Daley plans to carve
    giant "X"es into the Riverside Freeway at midnight tonight."
    There was an airport in Chicago that, for reasons still unknown, was permanantly shut down literally in the middle of the night without warning by Mayor Daley. The way you mark a closed runway is to paint (or in this case, carve) X's into the runway.
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  7. #7
    FLAC Chairboy's Avatar
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    Actually, a lot of people here might know the airport. Remember the default airport that Microsoft Flight Simulator used to start you in since... forever? It was the one where you were looking out at Chicago with that skyscraper that has Batman ears. That was Meigs field, the one that Mayor Daley (apparently illegally) shut down. He wanted the airport destroyed so the land could be sold to condo owners. The FAA is very unhappy with him, and there's some lawsuitarity coming.
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  8. #8
    Maximum Bitrate Vchat20's Avatar
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    im a fairly avid flight simmer myself and have been playing fs2k4 (multiplayer 99.995% of the time) for quite a while. the only ones i didnt get were the second one and the yahoo message board story. other than that, great selection of funnies. i almost busted a gut

    edit: just found this hilarious bit

    Quote Originally Posted by [url=http://www.avweb.com/newswire/11_03a/shortfinal/188996-1.html]AVweb[/url]
    Short runway, shorter fuse, and usually carrying less animated cargo...

    Tower: Understand you're without cargo today. If you're light, cleared for runway 6.

    N1234: All I have on board is my wife ... and she's heavy, but not THAT heavy.

    (pause)

    Tower: Roger N1234, and she's flying with you, now?

    N1234: Yep, she's got her headset on and is punching the heck out of me. Cleared to land runway 6, N1234.

    Tower: Copy. ...We'll roll the trucks.

    now this one ought to be hard for those not familiar with aviation:
    Eager Flyer...

    A student pilot was on a cross country solo flight to Santa Barbara. Eager to fly "heavy metal" he contacts approach at 5,500 feet for flight following...

    N12345: ...approach, Cessna 12345 checking in at flight level 550.

    Approach (after a long pause): Roger, Cessna 12345 ... you can contact NASA at 368.2 for further advisories!
    Your everyday carpc geek and tech guru at your service. *bow*

  9. #9
    Variable Bitrate choyak's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Vchat20
    im a fairly avid flight simmer myself and have been playing fs2k4 (multiplayer 99.995% of the time) for quite a while. the only ones i didnt get were the second one and the yahoo message board story. other than that, great selection of funnies. i almost busted a gut

    edit: just found this hilarious bit




    now this one ought to be hard for those not familiar with aviation:

    Hahaha in the Cessna you couldn't even breathe at that altitude!!!!
    Carputer currently 'ghettoed' into car!!!

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  10. #10
    My Village Called 0l33l's Avatar
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    You fly? That's cool. My friend is becoming a pilot

    The jokes were funny... esp. the one about the cameras rolling

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