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Thread: Toilet Training

  1. #1
    Variable Bitrate rickster's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2005
    Essex, UK

    Talking Toilet Training

    The following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump while at work.

    When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not
    in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it
    came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart
    has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left
    your pants.

    FLY BY
    The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for
    other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back
    again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become
    suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

    A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a
    poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of
    embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend
    it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal,
    pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is
    uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both
    parties feel uneasy.

    When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This
    is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should
    happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the
    bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

    The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This
    reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom.
    This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.


    Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just
    stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if
    someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend
    that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the

    A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often
    see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or
    magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of
    The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

    A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes
    off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts
    of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

    A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least
    expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex.
    This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

    Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to
    force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable
    moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs,
    remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will
    avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

    A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you
    are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert
    potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an

    A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you
    are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is
    occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the
    pooper can poop in peace.

    A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is
    also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on,
    create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

    A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet
    water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an

    A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended
    lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle
    Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should
    always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as
    well as the other bathroom attendees.

  2. #2
    Constant Bitrate Trazer's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2004
    The Netherlands
    There ain't no need to cry. Time's up. It's time to die....

  3. #3
    Banned xdjxklusivex's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2004
    Diamond Bar, CA (909,951)
    reading all this is making me **** LOL

  4. #4
    Constant Bitrate Trazer's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2004
    The Netherlands
    Quote Originally Posted by xdjxklusivex
    reading all this is making me **** LOL
    At first it made me go like: "WTF?" after that i started to remember a standup show of eddy murphy called raw where he does a richard prior impersonation and talks about taking a ****.
    There ain't no need to cry. Time's up. It's time to die....

  5. #5
    Variable Bitrate nadir_s's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2002
    San Jose, CA
    damn, what a waste of time to write that
    [ 5-spd 1996 M A X i M A SE ]

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