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Thread: Jokes thread

  1. #111
    Variable Bitrate roadhog's Avatar
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    Survey

    A worldwide survey has been carried out with the following question :

    "PLEASE, GIVE US YOUR OPINION ON THE LACK OF FOOD IN THE REST OF THE WORLD"

    No result was achieved, since the following problems were faced during
    the survey's implementation :
    1. In Western Europe no one knew what is "lack"
    2. In Africa no one knew what is "food"
    3. In Eastern Europe no one knew what is "opinion"
    4. In South America no one knew what is "please"
    5. In the USA no one knew what is "rest of the world".

  2. #112
    Variable Bitrate roadhog's Avatar
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    The Western Wall

    A journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureau has an appartment overlooking
    the Western Wall. Every day when she looks out, she sees an old bearded
    Jewish man praying vigorously.
    She was certain he would be a good interview subject.

    The journalist goes down to the Wall, and introduces herself to the old man.
    She asks, "You come every day to the Wall. Sir, how long have you done that
    and what are you praying for?" The old man replies, "I have come here to
    pray every day for 25 years. In the morning, I pray for world peace and for
    the brotherhood of man. I go home have a cup of tea, and I come back and
    pray for the eradication of illness and disease from the earth. And very,
    very important, I pray for peace and understanding between the Israelis and
    Palestinians."

    The journalist is impressed. "How does it make you feel to come here every
    day for 25 years and pray for these wonderful things?" she asks.
    The old man replies, calmly, "Like I'm talking to a ******* wall."

  3. #113
    Variable Bitrate roadhog's Avatar
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    The New European Language
    The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby
    English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German,
    which was the other possibility.

    As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded
    that English spelling had some room for improvement and has
    accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known
    as "Euro-English".

    In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly,
    this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.

    The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear
    up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

    There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when
    the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words
    like fotograf 20% shorter.

    In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling
    kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated
    changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal
    of double letters that have always ben a deterent to
    akurate speling.

    Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag
    is disgrasful and it should go away.

    By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z"
    and "w" with "v".

    During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining
    "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl. Zer
    vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand etsh oza.

    Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru ..

    Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in
    ze forst plas.

    If zis mad yu smil, plez pas on to oza pepl.

  4. #114
    Variable Bitrate roadhog's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by OoNikFraleyoO
    Where are the white jokes? I demand you post white jokes or I may possibly think about threating you in a nonviolent way.
    A poem written by an African Shakespeare

    Dear white fella,
    Couple things you should know:

    When I was born, I black
    When I grow up, I black,
    When I go in sun, I black
    When I cold, I black
    When I scared, I black
    When I sick, I black,
    And when I die, I still black.

    You, white fella,
    When you born, you pink
    When you grow up, you white
    When you go in sun, you red
    When you cold, you blue
    When you scared, you yellow
    When you sick, you green
    And when you die, you grey.

    And you have the ******* nerve to call me colored?

  5. #115
    Confusion Master
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    CAMILLA AND CHARLES WEDDING NGHT


    As Camilla was making last-minute preparations to walk down the aisle,
    she found that her shoes were missing. She was forced to borrow her
    sister's, which were a bit on the small side.

    When the day's festivities were finally over, Charles and Camilla retired
    to their room, right next door to the Queen's and Prince Phillip's.

    As soon as Charles and Camilla were inside their room, Camilla flopped on
    the bed and said, "Darling, please get these shoes off. My feet are killing
    me."

    The ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked the right shoe with vigour,
    but it was stuck fast.
    "Harder!" Camilla yelled. "Harder!"
    "I'm trying, darling!" The Prince yelled back. "It's just so bloody
    tight!"
    "Come on! Give it all you've got!"
    There was a big groan from the Prince, and then Camilla exclaimed,
    "There! That's it! Oh that feels good! Oh that feels Sooooooooo good!"

    In the bedroom next door, the Queen turned to Prince Phillip and said,
    "See? I told you, with a face like that she was still a virgin."

    Back in the bridal suite, Charles was trying to pry off the left shoe.
    "Oh, my God, darling! This one's even tighter!" exclaimed the heir to the
    throne.

    At which Prince Phillip turned to the Queen and said, "That's my boy.
    Once a Navy man, always a Navy man

  6. #116
    Confusion Master
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    Sky have just won the rights to screen the first World Origami Championships from Tokyo.
    Unfortunately it's only available on Paper View.









    I used to run my own origami business but it folded.

  7. #117
    FLAC Spaghetti's Avatar
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    Someone get the tumbleweed quick....
    In da club....

    ALIZEE WANTS YOU.....

    (\__/)
    (='.'=)
    (")_(")
    Bunny's first poo
    __ U

  8. #118
    Rub One Out Motoko's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by roadhog
    Survey

    A worldwide survey has been carried out with the following question :

    "PLEASE, GIVE US YOUR OPINION ON THE LACK OF FOOD IN THE REST OF THE WORLD"

    No result was achieved, since the following problems were faced during
    the survey's implementation :
    1. In Western Europe no one knew what is "lack"
    2. In Africa no one knew what is "food"
    3. In Eastern Europe no one knew what is "opinion"
    4. In South America no one knew what is "please"
    5. In the USA no one knew what is "rest of the world".
    lol the last one, thats so a JJ answer
    CarPC status: iPod, 3,456,217 songs so **** you

  9. #119
    MySQL Error Scouse Monkey's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Enforcer
    CAMILLA AND CHARLES WEDDING NGHT


    As Camilla was making last-minute preparations to walk down the aisle,
    she found that her shoes were missing. She was forced to borrow her
    sister's, which were a bit on the small side.

    When the day's festivities were finally over, Charles and Camilla retired
    to their room, right next door to the Queen's and Prince Phillip's.

    As soon as Charles and Camilla were inside their room, Camilla flopped on
    the bed and said, "Darling, please get these shoes off. My feet are killing
    me."

    The ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked the right shoe with vigour,
    but it was stuck fast.
    "Harder!" Camilla yelled. "Harder!"
    "I'm trying, darling!" The Prince yelled back. "It's just so bloody
    tight!"
    "Come on! Give it all you've got!"
    There was a big groan from the Prince, and then Camilla exclaimed,
    "There! That's it! Oh that feels good! Oh that feels Sooooooooo good!"

    In the bedroom next door, the Queen turned to Prince Phillip and said,
    "See? I told you, with a face like that she was still a virgin."

    Back in the bridal suite, Charles was trying to pry off the left shoe.
    "Oh, my God, darling! This one's even tighter!" exclaimed the heir to the
    throne.

    At which Prince Phillip turned to the Queen and said, "That's my boy.
    Once a Navy man, always a Navy man
    hahaha chumbatastic!

  10. #120
    Confusion Master
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    Might be a repost but . . .

    A man enters a bar and orders a drink. The bar has a robot bartender.
    The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then asks him,
    "What's your
    IQ?"
    The man replies "150" and the robot proceeds to make conversation
    about global warming factors, quantum physics and spirituality,
    biomimicry, environmental interconnectedness, string theory,
    nano-technology, and sexual proclivities.

    The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool."
    He decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around, and
    comes back in
    for another drink.
    Again, the robot serves him the perfectly prepared drink and asks him,
    "What's your
    IQ?"
    The man responds, "about a 100."
    Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time, about football,
    NASCAR, baseball,
    supermodels, favourite fast foods,
    guns, and women's breasts.

    Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one
    more test.
    He heads out and returns, the robot serves him and asks, "What's your IQ?"

    The man replies, "Er, 50, I think."

    And the robot says...! real slowly... "So............... ya gonna vote for
    Bush again?".

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