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Thread: Jokes thread

  1. #121
    Confusion Master
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    Big brother producers have warned Michael Barrymore to use Ashtrays rather than throw dead fags into the swimming pool

  2. #122
    MySQL Error Scouse Monkey's Avatar
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    :tw:

  3. #123
    Bowel movement jjh221's Avatar
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    One day, a little boy goes to his Father and asks
    "Daddy, how was I
    born?"
    The Father answers: "Well, son, I guess one day
    you will need to
    find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got
    together in a chat room.
    Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom
    and we met at a
    cyber-cafe.
    We sneaked into a secluded room, where your
    Mother
    agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon
    as I was ready to
    upload, we discovered that neither one of us had
    used a firewall,
    and since it was too late to hit the delete
    button, nine months later a
    blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said: You've
    Got Male!"
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  4. #124
    FLAC Spaghetti's Avatar
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  5. #125
    Tainted Love Cris's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by jjh221
    One day, a little boy goes to his Father and asks
    "Daddy, how was I
    born?"
    The Father answers: "Well, son, I guess one day
    you will need to
    find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got
    together in a chat room.
    Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom
    and we met at a
    cyber-cafe.
    We sneaked into a secluded room, where your
    Mother
    agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon
    as I was ready to
    upload, we discovered that neither one of us had
    used a firewall,
    and since it was too late to hit the delete
    button, nine months later a
    blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said: You've
    Got Male!"



  6. #126
    The Lavender Tie Just
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  7. #127
    Newbie
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    I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so
    much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have
    never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

    FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into
    bed.

    Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel
    like it, I just want you to hold me."

    I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

    So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
    "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me
    to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look
    by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in
    the bedroom?"

    Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

    The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with
    her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big
    unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on
    several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to
    take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to
    compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We
    went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond
    earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was
    one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because
    she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play
    tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."
    She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
    Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all
    dear, let's go to the cashier."

    I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel
    like it."

    Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled
    WHAT?"

    I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're
    just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy
    your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she
    was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and
    not for the things I buy you?"

    Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.
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  8. #128
    Raw Wave Rob Withey's Avatar
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    Why don't fairies ever get pregnant?
    They only go to goblin parties.
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  9. #129
    Raw Wave lostreception's Avatar
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    A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.

    After 21 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again.

    The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay. Swoooop! Two arms pops out! The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender ignores the whole affair.

    By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left... then to the right... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says... "He should have quit while he was a head!"
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  10. #130
    Variable Bitrate roadhog's Avatar
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    1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says: "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger.


    2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.


    3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.


    4. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."


    5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during the root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.


    6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of his office and asked them to disperse. But why? they asked, as they moved off. Because, he said, I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.


    7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Ahmal. The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.


    8. These friars were behind in their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to persuade them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.


    9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him . what? (Oh, man this is so bad, it's good). A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.


    10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

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