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Thread: Jokes thread

  1. #161
    Variable Bitrate kamikaze2112's Avatar
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    prolly a repost, but here goes

    The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting
    unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces. These Alabama,
    Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi, Missouri, Oklahoma, Tennessee and
    Texas boys will be dropped off into Iraq and have been
    given only the following facts about terrorists:

    1. The season opened today.
    2. There is no limit.
    3. They taste just like chicken.
    4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.
    5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.

    We expect the problem in Iraq to be over by next Friday.


  2. #162
    FLAC Spaghetti's Avatar
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    harsh....
    In da club....

    ALIZEE WANTS YOU.....

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    Bunny's first poo
    __ U

  3. #163
    Variable Bitrate kamikaze2112's Avatar
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    Frank the Chili Taster
    Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

    "Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding Famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.

    Here are the scorecards from the event:

    Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

    JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

    JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

    FRANK: Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out.

    Hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

    Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

    JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

    JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

    FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when they saw the look on my face.

    Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

    JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

    JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

    FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.

    I'm getting ****-faced.

    Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

    JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

    JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

    FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. ***** is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating.

    Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

    JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

    JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

    FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage.

    Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. It really ****es me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!

    Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

    JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.

    JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

    FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. I need to wipe my *** with a snow cone!

    Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

    JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

    JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

    FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like **** to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. **** it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.

    Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili

    JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

    JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank.

    FRANK: -------------- (editor's note: Judge #3 was unable To report)


    Better?


  4. #164
    Newbie jokr's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by kamikaze2112
    Frank the Chili Taster
    Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

    "Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding Famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.

    Here are the scorecards from the event:

    Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

    JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

    JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

    FRANK: Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out.

    Hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

    Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

    JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

    JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

    FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when they saw the look on my face.

    Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

    JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

    JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

    FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.

    I'm getting ****-faced.

    Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

    JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

    JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

    FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. ***** is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating.

    Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

    JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

    JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

    FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage.

    Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. It really ****es me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!

    Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

    JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.

    JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

    FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. I need to wipe my *** with a snow cone!

    Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

    JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

    JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

    FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like **** to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. **** it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.

    Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili

    JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

    JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank.

    FRANK: -------------- (editor's note: Judge #3 was unable To report)


    Better?

    i really shouldn't have read this at work. i have been sitting at my desk, trying my best not to laugh for like 20 minutes now.
    CarPuter Progress

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  5. #165
    Variable Bitrate BIzFlawless's Avatar
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    Minnie told Mickey that she wants a divorce. Mickey said "***** are you ******* crazy?" She said "No Im ******* Goofy."

  6. #166
    Variable Bitrate BIzFlawless's Avatar
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    Warning !!!!
    Eating pussy is bad 4 ur health its 1% urine 3% pubic hair 5% men. So be careful when eating out!

    ^^^^
    was a texted i recieved

  7. #167
    Variable Bitrate BIzFlawless's Avatar
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    Teacher asks "John why is your cat at school today?" John says "I heard the milkman tell mom, when your kids go to school Im gonna eat your pussy!"



    ^^^^^^^^^^
    another text

  8. #168
    The Lavender Tie Just
    Made It Obvious
    Rafster's Avatar
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    Aug 2003
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    San Diego, CA
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    3,084
    WHY CONDOMS COME IN BOXES OF 3, 6, AND 12
    A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to
    walk by the condom display, and the boy asks,

    "What are these, Dad?" To which the man matter-of-factly replies,
    "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."

    "Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. Yes, I've heard of that in
    health class at school."

    He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks,

    "Why are there 3 in this package?"

    The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one
    for Saturday, and one for Sunday."


    "Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these
    for?"


    "Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for
    Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."


    "WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up
    a12 pack.
    With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, "Those are for
    married men. One for January, one for February, one for March......."

  9. #169
    The Lavender Tie Just
    Made It Obvious
    Rafster's Avatar
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    Mischievous Brothers
    Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous. They are always getting into trouble and their parents know all about it. If any
    mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved. The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in
    disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.

    So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon. The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly,

    "Do you know where God is, son?" The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.

    So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?!"

    Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed,

    "Where is God?!"

    The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

    When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "what happened?" The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in
    BIG trouble this time.

    ("I just LOVE reading next line again and again")


    GOD is missing, and they think we did it!

  10. #170
    The Lavender Tie Just
    Made It Obvious
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    Son's Letter
    Son's Letter

    A mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up.

    Then she saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, "Mom".

    With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

    Dear Mom,

    It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice.....even with all her piercings, tattoos, and her tight motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion Mom, she's pregnant and Joan said that we will be very happy.

    Even though you don't care for her as she is so much older than I, she already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.

    She wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too. Joan taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with her friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want!

    In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better, she sure deserves it!!

    Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

    You're Son, John

    P.S. Mom, NONE of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbour's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk center drawer.
    I LOVE YOU!
    Please call when it is safe for me to come home

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