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Thread: Jokes thread

  1. #171
    The Lavender Tie Just
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    Tickle Me Elmo

    There is a factory in America which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arm. A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 0800. The next day at 0845 there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman from the assembly line throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

    The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands the new employee surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

    The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches the woman.

    "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday".

    "Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles".

  2. #172
    The Lavender Tie Just
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    Battle of the showers
    How To Shower Like A Woman:

    1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
    2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to bathroom.
    3. Look at you womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so that you can complain and whine even more about how you’re getting fat.
    4. Get in the shower. Look for facecloth; arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
    5. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
    6. Wash you hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey Shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
    7. Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.
    8. Wash you face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red raw.
    9. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Coke body wash.
    10. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes, as you must make sure that it has all come of).
    11. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get waxed instead.
    12. Scream loudly when your boyfriend/husband flushes the toilet and you lose the water pressure.
    13. Turn off shower.
    14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mould spots with Tilex.
    15. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small African country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.
    16. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit. Attack with nails/tweezers if found.
    17. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
    18. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and then rush to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed.

    How To Shower Like A Man:
    1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
    2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your girlfriend/wife along the way, flash her making the "WOO" sound.
    3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs (no). Admire the size of you dick in the mirror, scratch your balls and smell your fingers for one last whiff.
    4. Get in the shower.
    5. Don’t bother to look for a washcloth. (you don’t use one)
    6. Wash your face.
    7. Wash you armpits.
    8. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.
    9. Wash your privates and surrounding area.
    10. Wash you ***, leaving hair on the soap bar.
    11. Shampoo your hair. (Do not use conditioner)
    12. Make a shampoo Mohawk.
    13. Pull back showers curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.
    14. Pee (in the shower)
    15. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hang out of the tub the whole time.
    16. Partially dry off.
    17. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire dick size.
    18. Leave showers curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.
    19. Leave bathroom and fan light on.
    20. Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your girlfriend/wife, pull off the towel, grab your dick, go "Yeah baby" and thrust your pelvis at her.
    21. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take two minute to get dressed.

  3. #173
    The Lavender Tie Just
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    An airplane takes off from the airport. The Captain is Jewish and the First Officer is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and it's obvious, by the silence, that they don't get along.

    After thirty minutes, the Jewish Captain mutters: "I don't like Chinese."

    The First Officer replies: "Ooh, you no like Chinese? Why dat?"

    "Your people bombed Pearl Harbor. That's why I don't like Chinese."

    "Nooooo, noooo, Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah. That Japanese, not Chinese."

    "Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese... it doesn't matter, you're all alike."



    Another thirty minutes of silence. Finally, the First Officer says: "No like Jew."

    "Why not? Why don't you like Jews?"

    "Jews sink Titanic."

    "The Jews didn't sink the Titanic. It was an iceberg."

    "Iceberg, Goldberg, Rosenberg, Spielberg; no mattah ... all a same."

  4. #174
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    A Jewish Rabbi and Catholic Priest are eating lunch together. The Priest is having ham and he says, "My God! this ham is delicious, I think I'd die if I could never eat ham again, it's sooooo good! I can't believe you would miss out on such a delectable, tasty meat, aren't you ever going to try some?". The Rabbi thinks for a moment and smiles, "On your wedding day."

  5. #175
    The Lavender Tie Just
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    OK, this is just plain nasty.......

    This is why we should know our limits when drinking tequila.

    Guy walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and
    sees it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be
    thousands of dollars in it.

    He approaches the bartender and asks. "What's up with the jar?"

    "Well, you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the
    money."

    The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. "What are the three
    tests?"

    Pay first, those are the rules." says the bartender. So the man gives
    him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar.

    "OK," the bartender says, here's what you need to do:

    First - You have to drink that entire gallon of pepper tequila, the
    whole thing, all at once...and you can't make a face while doing it.

    Second, There's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth.
    You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands.

    Third. - There's a 90-year old woman upstairs who has never reached
    orgasm during intercourse. You've got to make things right for her."

    The man is stunned. "I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot! I
    won't do it! You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila,
    and then do those other things..."

    "Your call," says the bartender, "but your money stays where it is."

    As time goes on and the man has a few drinks, then a few more, he
    asks,

    Where ezzat tequila?"

    He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it with a big slurp.
    Tears streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face.

    Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up and soon
    the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy, scuffle going on
    outside.

    They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull
    yelping and then silence.

    Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back
    into the bar, with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches al
    over his body.

    "Now," he says. "Where's the old woman with the sore tooth?"

  6. #176
    The Lavender Tie Just
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    No Nursing Home for Me


    About 2 years ago my wife and I were on a cruise through the western Mediterranean aboard a Princess liner.

    At dinner we noticed an elderly lady sitting alone along the rail of the grand stairway in the main dining room.

    I also noticed that all the staff, ship's officers, waiters, busboys, etc., all seemed very familiar with this lady.

    I asked our waiter who the lady was, expecting to be told that she owned the line, but he said he only knew that she had been on board for the last four cruises, back-to-back.

    As we left the dining room one evening I caught her eye and stopped to say hello. We chatted and I said, "I understand you've been on this ship for the last four cruises."

    She replied, "Yes, that's true."

    I stated, "I don't understand."
    She replied, without a pause, "It's cheaper than a nursing home."

    So, there will be no nursing home in my future. When I get old and feeble, I am going to get on a Princess Cruise Ship.

    The average cost for a nursing home is $200 per day. I have checked on reservations on a Princess and I can get a long term discount and senior discount price of $135 per day. That leaves $65 a day for:

    1. Gratuities which will only be $10 per day.

    2. I will have as many as 10 meals a day if I can waddle to the restaurant, or I can have room service (which means I can have breakfast-in-bed every day of the week).

    3. Princess has as many as three swimming pools, a workout room, free washers and dryers, and shows every night.

    4. They have free toothpaste and razors, and free soap and shampoo.

    5. They will even treat you like a customer, not a patient. An extra $5 worth of tips will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.

    6. I will get to meet new people every 7 or 14 days.

    7. TV broken? Light bulb need changing? Need to have the mattress replaced? No Problem! They will fix everything and apol ogize for your inconvenience.

    8. Clean sheets and towels every day, and you don't even have to ask for them.

    9. If you fall in the nursing home and break a hip you are on Medicare; if you fall and break a hip on the Princess ship they wi ll upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.



    Now hold on for the best!



    Do you want to see South America, the Panama Canal, Tahiti, Australia, New Zealand, Asia, or name where you want to go?

    Princess will have a ship ready to go. So don't look for me in a nursing home.

    PS: And don't forget, when you die, they just dump you over the side -- at no charge.

  7. #177
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    How to keep your tummy flat............

    A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down.
    The mom quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen, dresses quickly and goes to find him.
    The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and dad doing?" The mother replies, "Well, your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."
    "You're wasting your time." says the boy. "Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled? "Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up!"

  8. #178
    Confusion Master
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    New Words for the Oxford Dictionary



    TESTICULATING. Waving your arms around and talking B******s.



    BLAMESTORMING. Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.



    SEAGULL MANAGER. A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.



    ASSMOSIS. The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.



    SALMON DAY. The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.

    CUBE FARM. An office filled with cubicles.



    PRAIRIE DOGGING. When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.(This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)



    SITCOMs. Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a "home business".



    SINBAD. Single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.



    STRESS PUPPY. A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.



    PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE. The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.



    ADMINISPHERE. The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" - needless paperwork and processes.



    404. Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.



    OHNOSECOND. That minuscule fraction of time in which you realise that you've just made a BIG mistake ( e.g. you've hit 'reply all')



    GOING FOR A Mc****. Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is known as a Mc**** with Lies.



    AEROPLANE BLONDE. One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.



    AUSSIE KISS. Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.



    BEER COAT. The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3am.



    BEER COMPASS. The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how you got here, and where you've come from.



    BOBFOC. Body Off Baywatch, Face Off Crimewatch.



    BREAKING THE SEAL. Your first pee in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.



    BRITNEY SPEARS. Modern Slang for 'beers', e.g. "Couple of Britneys please"



    GREYHOUND. A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.



    JOHNNY-NO-STARS. A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training.



    MILLENNIUM DOMES. The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually nought in there worth seeing.



    MONKEY BATH. A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo!Oo!Oo! Aa!Aa!Aa!".



    MYSTERY BUS. The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.



    MYSTERY TAXI. The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed instead.



    NELSON MANDELA. Rhyming Slang for 'Stella' (the lager)



    PEARLHARBOUR. Cold (weather). An example of it would be - "It's a bit

    Pearl Harbour" out there (there's a nasty nip in the air)



    PICASSO BUM. A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got four buttocks



    SALAD DODGER. An excellent phrase for an overweight person



    SWAMP-DONKEY. A deeply unattractive woman.



    TART FUEL. Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.

  9. #179
    Confusion Master
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    At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator.

    At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez said he
    believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. The FBI is charging him with carrying weapons of math instruction.

  10. #180
    The Lavender Tie Just
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    Quote Originally Posted by Enforcer
    At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator.

    At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez said he
    believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. The FBI is charging him with carrying weapons of math instruction.
    can you ge any cornier than that....

    Peace,

    Rafster

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