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Thread: Jokes thread

  1. #181
    The Lavender Tie Just
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    One day G-d was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time. When he returned, he told G-d, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not.



    G-d thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion."



    So G-d called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time too. When the angel returned he went to G-d and said, "Yes, it's true. The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good."



    G-d was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% that were good, because He wanted to encourage them, and give them a little something to help them keep going.



    Do you know what the e-mail said? ...




















    Okay, I was just wondering, because I didn't get one either!!!

  2. #182
    MySQL Error Scouse Monkey's Avatar
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    I think the email said "Warning, Rafster is getting as bad as enforcer with his jokes!"

  3. #183

  4. #184
    The Lavender Tie Just
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    A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what's the difference between potentially and realistically?"

    The father thought a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars and ask your brother if he would sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."

    So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would. I wouldn't pass up an opportunity like that."

    The boy went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Would I? I would just love to do that! I would be nuts to pass up that opportunity!"

    The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million dollars could buy?"

    The boy pondered that for a few days, then went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?"

    The boy replied, "Yes, sir. Potentially, we're sitting on three million dollars. Realistically, we're living with two sluts and a fag."

  5. #185
    Confusion Master
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    Breaking News!!!!

    Sophie Ellis Bextor has been found head-butted to death in the French
    football teams hotel. Police have said it's murder on Zidane's floor!

  6. #186
    Confusion Master
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    A young man moved in to a new apartment on his own
    and went out to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox
    while there,an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe
    The boy smiled at the young women and she started a conversation with him
    As they talked ,her robe slipped open,and it was obvious that she had nothing else on
    The poor kid broke into a sweat,trying to maintain eye contact
    After a few minutes,she placed her hand on his arm and said
    "Let`s go to my apartment ,i hear someone coming"
    He followed her into her apartment ;she closed the door and leaned against it,allowing her robe to fall off completely
    Now nude ,she purred at him"What would you say is my best feature ? "
    Flustered and embarrassed,he finally squeaked "It`s got to be your ears "
    Astounded and a little hurt "My ears ? look at these breasts they are full and 100% natural.I work out every day.
    My butt is firm and solid.Look at my skin -no blemishes anywhere.How can you think that the best part is my ears ? "
    Clearing his throat he stammered "Outside when you said you heard someone coming , That was me "

  7. #187
    FLAC Spaghetti's Avatar
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    Ok Enforcer, if you keep this up I can finally get rid of the tumbleweed!!!
    In da club....

    ALIZEE WANTS YOU.....

    (\__/)
    (='.'=)
    (")_(")
    Bunny's first poo
    __ U

  8. #188
    Newbie ~Rob's Avatar
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    The Zidane was great!

  9. #189
    The Lavender Tie Just
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    Yo Mama's So Ugly Jokes

    Yo mama's so ugly when she joined an ugly contest, they said "sorry, no professionals."
    Yo mama's so ugly had to get her baby drunk just so she could breastfeed.
    Yo mama's so ugly her face is closed on weekends!
    Yo mama's so ugly her mama had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dogs to play with her.
    Yo mama's so ugly her picture is on the inside of a Roach Motel.
    Yo mama's so ugly I took her to haunted house and she came out with a job application.
    Yo mama's so ugly I took her to the zoo, guy at the door said "thanks for bringing her back.
    Yo mama's so ugly instead of putting the bungee cord around her ankle; they put it around her neck.
    Yo mama's so ugly people go as her for Halloween.
    Yo mama's so ugly she can look up a camel's butt and scare the hump off of it.
    Yo mama's so ugly she could be the poster child for abortion/birth control!
    Yo mama's so ugly she could scare the chrome off a bumper!
    Yo mama's so ugly she could scare the moss off a rock!
    Yo mama's so ugly she has to trick or treat over the phone.
    Yo mama's so ugly she looks out the window and got arrested for mooning.
    Yo mama's so ugly she made an onion cry.
    Yo mama's so ugly she scares the roaches away.
    Yo mama's so ugly she threw a boomerang and it wouldn't even come back.
    Yo mama's so ugly that if ugly were bricks she'd have her own projects.
    Yo mama's so ugly that Yo father takes her to work just so he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye.
    Yo mama's so ugly the doctor is still smacking her ***.
    Yo mama's so ugly the government moved Halloween to her birthday.
    Yo mama's so ugly the last time she heard a whistle was when she got hit by a train.
    Yo mama's so ugly the psychiatrist makes her lie facedown.
    Yo mama's so ugly they didn't give her a costume when she tried out for Star Wars.
    Yo mama's so ugly they filmed "Gorillas in the Mist" in her shower.
    Yo mama's so ugly they know what time she was born, because her face stopped the clock!
    Yo mama's so ugly they pay her to put her clothes on in strip joints.
    Yo mama's so ugly they push her face into dough to make gorilla cookies.
    Yo mama's so ugly they put her face on box of Ex-Lax and sold it empty
    Yo mama's so ugly when she passes by a bathroom the toilet flushes.
    Yo mama's so ugly when she sits in the sand the cat tries to bury her.
    Yo mama's so ugly when she walks in the kitchen, the rats jump on the table and start screaming.
    Yo mama's so ugly when she walks into a bank; they turn off the surveillance cameras
    Yo mama's so ugly when she was born she was put in an incubator with tinted windows
    Yo mama's so ugly when she was born the doctor smacked everyone.
    Yo mama's so ugly when she was born; her mama saw the afterbirth and said "Twins!"
    Yo mama's so ugly when she was born, the doctor slapped HER mama!
    Yo mama's so ugly Yo dad first met her at the pound
    Yo mama’s so ugly you could stick her face in dough and make monster cookies
    Yo mama was such an ugly baby that her parents had to feed her with slingshots.
    When Yo mama was born they had to take her out of the trash can cause doctor said "Throw this **** away!"

  10. #190
    The Lavender Tie Just
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    Yo Mama's so dumb/stupid jokes

    Yo mama's so dumb she has 1 toe & bought a pair of flip flops
    Yo mama's so dumb she put out the cigarette butt that was heating your house.
    Yo mama's so dumb she sat on TV & watched the couch
    Yo mama's so dumb she thought St Ides was a Catholic church.
    Yo mama's so dumb she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
    Yo mama's so dumb she took a spoon to the Super Bowl
    Yo mama's so dumb she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jif.
    Yo mama's so dumb that under "Education" on her job application, she put "Hooked on Phonics."
    Yo mama's so dumb; she cooked her own complimentary breakfast.
    Yo mama's so dumb, she got hit by a cup and told the police that she got mugged.
    Yo mama's so dumb; she thinks Johnny Cash is a pay toilet!
    Yo mama's so dumb, she thinks socialism means partying!
    Yo mama's so dumb, she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
    Yo mama's so dumb, when asked on an application, "Sex?” she marked, "M, F and sometimes Wednesday too."
    Yo mama's so dumb, when she read on her job application to not write below the dotted line she put "O.K."
    Yo mama's so stupid at bottom of application where it says Sign Here - she put Sagittarius.
    Yo mama's so stupid he got a part time job painting skittles
    Yo mama's so stupid instead of taking 4 buses she took the 2 bus twice
    Yo mama's so stupid it takes her 2 hours to watch 60 Mins
    Yo mama's so stupid on her job application where it says emergency contact she put 911
    Yo mama's so stupid she asked for a price check at the 99 cent store
    Yo mama's so stupid she asked me what kind of jeans I wore, I said Guess and she said "Ah Levis?"
    Yo mama's so stupid she jumped out the window and went up
    Yo mama's so stupid she said "what's that letter after x" and I said Y she said "cause I wana know"
    Yo mama's so stupid she stands up on an empty bus.
    Yo mama's so stupid she studied for blood test & failed.
    Yo mama's so stupid she thought BOYZ2MEN was a daycare center.
    Yo mama's so stupid she thought hamburger helper came with another person
    Yo mama's so stupid she thought meow mix was a record for cats
    Yo mama's so stupid she thought she needed a token to get on soul train
    Yo mama's so stupid she thought the board of education was a piece of wood.
    Yo mama's so stupid she told everyone that she was "illegitimate" because she couldn't read
    Yo mama's so stupid that she go hit by a parked car.
    Yo mama's so stupid that she sold the car for gas money.
    Yo mama's so stupid that she went to a Clippers game to get a hair cut.
    Yo mama's so stupid that she went to a Whalers game to see Shamu.
    Yo mama's so stupid when she saw "under 17 not admitted” sign, she went home and got 16 friends
    Yo mama's so stupid when Yo dad said it was chilly outside, she ran outside with a spoon
    Yo mama's so stupid, I saw her in the frozen food section with a fishing rod.
    Yo mama's so stupid, I taught her how to do the running man and I haven't seen her since.
    Yo mama's so stupid; she asked you "What is the number for 911".
    Yo mama's so stupid, she bought a video camera to record cable TV shows at home.
    Yo mama's so stupid; she thinks Taco Bell is where you pay Yo telephone bill.
    Yo mama's so stupid, that she got fired from the M&M factory for throwing away all the W's.
    Yo mama's so stupid, when she went to take the 44 bus; she took the 22 twice instead.

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