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Thread: Jokes thread

  1. #11
    Variable Bitrate RS3RS's Avatar
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    Two men walked into a bar.


    You'd think the second one would have ducked.

  2. #12
    Tainted Love Cris's Avatar
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    There is a mirror in a women's restroom in a restauraunt. If you say something truthful while looking into the mirror, you will receive 1 wish. If you say some that's not truthful the mirror will suck you in.
    First this fine looking brunette walks in. She takes a look at herself in the mirror and says, "I think I'm the prettiest women in the world." And just like that she's sucked in.
    Next this amazingly beautiful brown-haired women saunters in, looks in the mirror, and says, "I think I'm the prettiest women in the world." Of course, the mirror sucks her in.
    Next this fine looking, pencil thin black-haired women walks in, looks at herself in the mirror, and says, "I think I'm the prettiest women in the world." She's sucked into the mirror with the rest of them.
    Then the cutest little blonde you've ever seen walks in, looks at herself in the mirror, and says, "I think..." And she's sucked in herself.

  3. #13
    Raw Wave tj!2k4's Avatar
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    Not PC

    What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?













    Nothing, you already told her twice!

  4. #14
    FLAC migel628's Avatar
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    A blonde is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory. The personnel manager explains her duties, and tells her to report to work promptly at 8:00 AM. The next day at 8:45AM, there’s a knock at the personnel manager’s door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee. He says she’s incredibly slow, and the whole line is backing up. The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem. Sure enough, Elmos are backed up all over the place. At the end of the line is the new employee. She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles, and starts sewing the little package between Elmo’s legs. The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically. After several minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman, and says, “I’m sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.”
    "I'm a dick!"
    "I must seek knowledge and it's bastard son truth" - The State

  5. #15
    FLAC migel628's Avatar
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    My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year when we decided to
    get married. My parents helped us in every way, and my friends encouraged
    me.

    My girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me. That one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight miniskirts, and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me, and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

    One day I went to pick up the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she could not overcome and did not really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and could not say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.

    When she reached the top, she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house and walked straight toward my car.

    My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We could not ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!"

    The moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car
    "I'm a dick!"
    "I must seek knowledge and it's bastard son truth" - The State

  6. #16
    Raw Wave BoyNextDoor's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by migel628
    The moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car
    DAMN LUCKY... Now have a nice marridge...

  7. #17
    FLAC migel628's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by BoyNextDoor
    DAMN LUCKY... Now have a nice marridge...
    Thanks, but it was just a joke
    "I'm a dick!"
    "I must seek knowledge and it's bastard son truth" - The State

  8. #18
    Raw Wave BoyNextDoor's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by migel628
    Thanks, but it was just a joke
    Anyways, i'm happy for you. If you have the right person, Marridge is a beatifull thing. I know so

  9. #19
    FLAC Chairboy's Avatar
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    Holy crap, BnD. I'm making jet noises while zooming my hand backwards over the top of my head. Do you know what this means and how it applies to you?
    Chrysler 300 - Fabricating
    http://hallert.net/

  10. #20
    Maximum Bitrate shizzle's Avatar
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    The moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car
    Just another reason they don't belong in your wallet. No but seriously, he probably had the panties in his hand when he ran into dad-in-law.
    Carputer status: [-*---------]
    Im thinking laptop...

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