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Thread: Jokes thread

  1. #191
    The Lavender Tie Just
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    Yo Mama's So fat/Big Jokes

    Yo mama's so big her belly button's got an echo.
    Yo mama's so big she can't wear an X jacket because choppers keep landing on her back
    Yo mama's so big she uses I-95 for a Slip 'n Slide
    Yo mama's so big that they had to change "One size fit's all" to "One size fits most"
    Yo mama's so big when she goes to the movie theatre she sits next to everybody.
    Yo mama's so big, it takes her 2 hours just to haul ***.
    Yo mama's so fat a picture of her would fall off the wall!
    Yo mama's so fat and old that when God said "Let there be Light", he told her to move her fat butt out of the way.
    Yo mama's so fat at the zoo, the elephants started throwing her peanuts.
    Yo mama's so fat every time she wears high heels, she strikes oil.
    Yo mama's so fat her blood type is Ragu
    Yo mama's so fat her college graduation picture was an aerial.
    Yo mama's so fat her yearbook picture is an aerial
    Yo mama's so fat if she got her shoes shined; she'd have to take his word for it!
    Yo mama's so fat if she wears fishnet stockings; they'd better be 50 pound test!
    Yo mama's so fat if she weighed five more pounds, she could get group insurance!
    Yo mama's so fat n black she jumped in the ocean and they bungee jumped and went straight to hell
    Yo mama's so fat she can't even tie her own shoes.
    Yo mama's so fat she can't reach her back pocket.
    Yo mama's so fat she can't wear Dazzey Dukes. She has to wear Boss Hoggs
    Yo mama's so fat she dries her pants in the driveway
    Yo mama's so fat she eats biscuits like Tic Tacs
    Yo mama's so fat she eats wheat thicks.
    Yo mama's so fat she fell in love and broke it.
    Yo mama's so fat she gets clothes in three sizes: extra large, jumbo, and oh-my-god-it's-coming-towards-us!
    Yo mama's so fat she got hit by a truck and asked "Who threw that rock?"
    Yo mama's so fat she got to iron her pants on the driveway
    Yo mama's so fat she got to pull down her pants to get into her pockets
    Yo mama's so fat she has more nooks and crannies than Thomas' English Muffin.
    Yo mama's so fat she has to buy two airline tickets.
    Yo mama's so fat she influences the tides.
    Yo mama's so fat she jumped up in the air and got stuck.
    Yo mama's so fat she measures 36 24 36, and the other arm is just as big
    Yo mama's so fat she plays hopscotch like this: LA, Detroit, Chicago, NY...
    Yo mama's so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller
    Yo mama's so fat she sat on a quarter and squished a booger out of George Washington's nose
    Yo mama's so fat she sat on the corner and the police came & said "break it up!"
    Yo mama's so fat she shows up on radar.
    Yo mama's so fat she stood in front of the Hollywood sign and it just said H D
    Yo mama's so fat she tried to get an all-over tan, and the sun burned out
    Yo mama's so fat she uses a hula hoop to hold up her socks
    Yo mama's so fat she uses a mattress for a tampon.
    Yo mama's so fat she uses a pillow case as a sock.
    Yo mama's so fat she was baptized at Marine World.
    Yo mama's so fat she wears a VCR for a beeper.
    Yo mama's so fat she went to a Chinese Restaurant and ordered a 40oz. of gravy
    Yo mama's so fat she's on both sides of the family
    Yo mama's so fat that she can't tie her own shoes.
    Yo mama's so fat that when I tried to drive around her, I ran out of gas.
    Yo mama's so fat the animals at the zoo feed her.
    Yo mama's so fat the highway patrol made her wear "Caution! Wide Turn"
    Yo mama's so fat they had to baptize her at Sea World
    Yo mama's so fat they use the elastic in her underwear for bungee jumping
    Yo mama's so fat uses blanket as a washcloth
    Yo mama's so fat when her beeper goes off; people thought she was backing up
    Yo mama's so fat when I took her to the beach; little kids surround screaming "Free Willy, Free Willy"
    Yo mama's so fat when she backs up she beeps
    Yo mama's so fat when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge too
    Yo mama's so fat when she dances at a concert the whole band skips.
    Yo mama's so fat when she fell over she rocked herself asleep trying to get up again.
    Yo mama's so fat when she gets on the scale it says to be continued.
    Yo mama's so fat when she sits around the house she REALLY sits AROUND the house
    Yo mama's so fat when she sits on my face I can't hear the stereo.
    Yo mama's so fat when she steps on a scale; it read "one at a time, please"
    Yo mama's so fat when she wears a red dress people yell "Hey Kool Aid ..."
    Yo mama's so fat when she wears a yellow raincoat, people said "Taxi!"
    Yo mama's so fat when she went to the beach Greenpeace tried to drag her *** back in the water.
    Yo mama's so fat when the ***** goes to an all You can eat buffet, they have to install speed bumps.
    Yo mama's so fat when they used her underwear elastic for bungee jumping, they hit the ground.
    Yo mama's so fat you smell like bacon at 90 degrees
    Yo mama's so fat, when she travels; she's got to make two trips.
    Yo mama was so fat that when she was born, she gave the hospital stretch marks.

  2. #192
    The Lavender Tie Just
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    Yo Mama's Like ...... Jokes

    Yo mama's like 7up - never had it never will (You're adopted)
    Yo mama's like a birthday cake, everybody gets a piece.
    Yo mama's like a bowling ball; she always winds up in the gutter.
    Yo mama's like a bowling ball; you can fit three fingers in.
    Yo mama's like a bus; guys climb on and off her all day long.
    Yo mama's like a Christmas tree; everybody hangs balls on her.
    Yo mama's like a door knob, everybody gets a turn.
    Yo mama's like a gas station - You got to pay before you pump
    Yo mama's like a goalie; she changes her pads after three periods.
    Yo mama's like a light switch, even a little kid can turn her on.
    Yo mama's like a postage stamp; you lick her, stick her, and then send her away.
    Yo mama's like a race car driver...she burns a lot of rubbers.
    Yo mama's like a railroad track; she gets laid all over the country.
    Yo mama's like a screen door, after a couple of bangs she loosens up
    Yo mama's like a shotgun, one cock and she blows
    Yo mama's like a Toyota, "OOooh what a feeling!"
    Yo mama's like a TV, even a 2 year old could turn her on
    Yo mama's like a vacuum cleaner.....a real good suck.
    Yo mama's like an ice cream cone... everyone gets a lick.
    Yo mama's like cake mix, 15 servings per package!
    Yo mama's like Crazy Eddie; she's practically giving it all away.
    Yo mama's like Denny's...open 24 hours.
    Yo mama's like Marky Mark - Good Vibrations
    Yo mama's like McDonalds... Billions and Billions served.
    Yo mama's like mustard, she spreads easy.
    Yo mama's like the Pillsbury dough boy - everybody pokes her.

  3. #193
    The Lavender Tie Just
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    Gambling Blonde....

    Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very attractive blonde woman from Alabama arrived ....and bet twenty-thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.

    She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless."

    With that, she stripped to the waist; rolled the dice; and yelled, "Come on, baby.... Southern Girl needs new clothes!"

    As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up-and-down... and squealed... "YES! YES! I WON! I WON!"

    She hugged each of the dealers... and then picked up her winnings and her clothes, and quickly departed.

    The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

    The other answered, "I don't know... I thought you were watching."


    Moral ---

    Not all Southerners are stupid.
    Not all blondes are dumb.
    But, all men..... are men!!

  4. #194
    The Lavender Tie Just
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    Would you remarry?

    A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife
    looks over at him and asks the question....

    WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

    HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

    WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"

    HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

    WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

    HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

    WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)

    HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

    WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

    HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

    WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

    HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

    WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

    HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

    WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

    HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

    WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"

    HUS! BAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."


    WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"



    HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."!



    WIFE: -- silence --



    HUSBAND: "*****."

  5. #195
    The Lavender Tie Just
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    A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two
    kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

    The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart .... nice
    children you've got there - are they twins?"

    The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't,
    the oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why the hell would
    you think they're twins?........ Do you really think they look alike?"

    "No", replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice!"

  6. #196
    The Lavender Tie Just
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    The Pastor's ***

    The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.

    The local paper read: PASTOR'S *** OUT FRONT

    The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

    The next day, the local paper headline read : BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ***

    This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

    The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST *** IN TOWN.

    The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

    The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS *** FOR $10

    This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

    The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER *** IS WILD AND FREE .

    The bishop was buried the next day.

    The moral of the story is....being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery...and even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life... Stop worrying about everyone else's *** and you'll be a
    lot happier and live longer!

  7. #197
    FLAC Spaghetti's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rafster View Post
    Yo mama's so dumb she has 1 toe & bought a pair of flip flops
    In da club....

    ALIZEE WANTS YOU.....

    (\__/)
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    Bunny's first poo
    __ U

  8. #198
    The Lavender Tie Just
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    Ok read the english meaning and then "OUTLOUD" say the chinese words...

    (You MUST read them out loud or it doesnt make as much sense)...


    1) Thats not right....................................... Sum Ting Wong

    2) Are you harboring a fugitive................... Hu Yu Hai Ding

    3) See me ASAP.......................................... Kum Hia Nao

    4) Stupid Man............................................. Dum Fuk

    5) Small horse............................................ Tai Ni Po Ni

    6) Did you go to the beach?....................... Wai Yu So Tan

    7) I bumped in to a coffee table................. Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni

    8) I think you need a face lift...................... Chin Tu Fat

    9) It's very dark in here.............................. Wao So Dim

    10) I thought you were on a diet............... Wai Yu Mun Ching

    11) This is a tow away zone....................... No Pah King

    12) staying out of sight.............................. Lei Ying Lo

    13) He's cleaning his automobile................ Wa Shing Ka

    14) Your body odor is offensive.................. Yu Stin Ki Pu

    15)Great.......................................... ........... Fa Kin Su Pah

    If u understood how to do this, then share the laugh.

    For the losers who didnt get it..... you're dumb

  9. #199
    The Lavender Tie Just
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    Why Women Take So Long In The Bathroom

    When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of
    Women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it's your turn, you
    check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied. Finally, a
    door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall.

    You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter. The dispenser
    for the modern "seat covers" is handy, but empty.
    You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there were one,
    but there isn't - so you carefully but quickly drape it around your neck, yank down
    Your pants, and assume "The Stance."

    In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake. You'd
    love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or
    lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "The Stance."

    To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover
    to be the empty toilet paper dispenser.
    Your thighs shake more. You remember
    the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the one that's still
    in your purse. That would have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way
    possible. It is still smaller than your thumbnail.

    Someone pushes open your stall door because the latch doesn't work. The
    Door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your
    Chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the
    Toilet. "Occupied!" you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your
    Precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your
    Footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT. It is
    Wet of course.

    You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late Your bare bottom has
    made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat
    because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that there was any, even if
    you had taken time to try.


    By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so
    Confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose
    That somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto
    The toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too. At that
    Point, you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet
    Toilet seat. You're exhausted.

    You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then
    Slink out inconspicuously to the sinks. You can't figure out how to
    Operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands
    With spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women, still
    Waiting. You are no longer able to smile politely to them.

    A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper
    Trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it??) You
    Yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it the woman's hand and tell her
    Warmly, "Here, you just might need this."

    As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used and
    Left the men's restroom. Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and
    Why is your purse hanging around your neck?"

    This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public restroom

    It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also
    Answers their other commonly asked question about why women go to the
    Restroom in pairs. It's so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto
    Your purse and hand you Kleenex under the door.

  10. #200
    Unregistered User ODYSSEY's Avatar
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    A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful woman wave at him and say hello. He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

    Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?"

    She looks into his eyes and calmly says......

    "No, I'm your son's math teacher."
    ODYSSEY

    Quote Originally Posted by Tidder View Post
    Hey, as long as it's not any particular race I'm offending, I can stand to be a pedophile.
    All information expressed in this post is my opinion, and should not be regarded as a statement of fact.
    Digital-Car UK|

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