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Thread: Jokes thread

  1. #201
    Newbie tha_nox's Avatar
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    An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, "what'll you have?" The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please."

    So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more.

    The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold. You don't have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I'll bring you a fresh cold one."

    The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we're drinking together.

    The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition. Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more.

    The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and I'd just like to say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."

    The man said, "Oh, me brothers are fine - I just quit drinking.

  2. #202
    The Lavender Tie Just
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    A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the

    doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, examined

    the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the

    baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

    "Breast-fed" she replied.

    "Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.

    She did. He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both

    breasts for a while in a detailed examination. Motioning to her to get

    dressed, he said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any

    milk."

    "I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."

  3. #203
    The Lavender Tie Just
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    Hitler and his chauffeur take a drive in the countryside. All of
    a sudden, boom! They drive over a chicken. Hitler tells the chauffeur, "We
    have to tell the farmer. Let me do it. I'm the Fuehrer, he'll understand."
    After two minutes, Hitler runs back holding his backside -- the farmer had
    given him a thrashing. The two drive on. Again, boom! They run into a pig.
    Hitler barks, "You go to the farmer this time!" The chauffeur follows his
    orders but comes back a half an hour later, falling-down drunk with a basket
    filled with sausages and presents. Hitler is stunned. "What did you tell the
    farmer?" And the chauffeur says, "I just said, 'Heil Hitler, the pig is
    dead!' and they gave me these gifts!"

  4. #204
    The Lavender Tie Just
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    A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.

    She says she is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5000.

    The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce, parked on the street, in front of the bank.

    Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

    An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

    Two weeks later, the blonde returns and repays the $5000, and the interest, which is $15.41.

    The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5000?"

    The blonde replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for $15?"

  5. #205
    The Lavender Tie Just
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    The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came.

    Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.

    "It's a period" reported Johnnie.

    "Well I can see that" she said. "but what is so exciting about a period."

    "Damned if I know" said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself."

  6. #206
    My Village Called 0l33l's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rafster View Post
    The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came.

    Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.

    "It's a period" reported Johnnie.

    "Well I can see that" she said. "but what is so exciting about a period."

    "Damned if I know" said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself."
    I think the joke here is me sending you the joke

  7. #207
    The Lavender Tie Just
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    Quote Originally Posted by 0l33l View Post
    I think the joke here is me sending you the joke


    Just sharing the wealth....

    Peace,

    Rafster

  8. #208
    Confusion Master
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    Good : Your wife is pregnant.
    Bad : It's triplets.
    Ugly : You had a vasectomy five years ago.

    Good : Your wife's not talking to you
    Bad : She wants a divorce.
    Ugly : She's a lawyer.

    Good : Your son is finally maturing.
    Bad : He's involved with the women next door.
    Ugly : So are you.

    Good :Your son studies a lot in his room.
    Bad : You find several porn movies hidden there.
    Ugly : You're in them.

    Good : Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
    Bad : You can't find your birth control pills.
    Ugly : Your daughter borrowed them.

    Good : Your husband understands fashion.
    Bad : He's a cross-dresser.
    Ugly : He looks better than you.

    Good : You just gave "the birds and the bees" talk to your daughter.
    Bad : She keeps interrupting.
    Ugly : With corrections

    Good : Your son is dating someone new.
    Bad : It's another man.
    Ugly : He's your best friend.

    Good : Your daughter got a new job.
    Bad : As a hooker.
    Ugly : Your co-workers are her best clients.
    Way ugly : She makes more money than you do.

  9. #209
    Confusion Master
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    If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
    (Hardly seems worth it.)

    If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
    (Now that's more like it!)
    The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
    (O.M.G.!)


    A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
    (In my next life, I want to be a pig.)


    A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
    (I'm still not over the pig.)



    Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour

    (Don't try this at home, maybe at work)




    The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.

    (30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)




    The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

    (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)









    Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
    (I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)




    Butterflies taste with their feet.

    (Something I always wanted to know.)


    The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm......)







    Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.

    (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)



    Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
    (Okay, so that would be a good thing)


    A cat's urine glows under a black light.

    (I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

    An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

    ( I know some people like that.)


    Starfish have no brains

    (I know some people like that too.)



    Polar bears are left-handed.

    (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)





    Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

    (What about that pig??)

  10. #210
    Newbie PoopMasterFlex's Avatar
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    What's the difference between a dead baby and a sandwich?

    You don't try to have sex with a sandwich before you eat it

    Whats brown and sticky?

    Sticks

    Whats big, green, has four legs, and would kill you if it fell out of a tree?

    A pool table

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