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Thread: Jokes thread

  1. #221
    Confusion Master
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    Quote Originally Posted by esky View Post
    An Englishman an ozzy an a kiwi are all tramping through the desert about 30 mins apart the english man is the first to arrive at the hotel and the first to find out that it's all booked out, the owner then offers him aroom with his 18 cats which the englisman gratefully accepts
    Along comes the ozzy same story except the owner offers him a room with his 18 dogs an once again the ozzy accepts
    Along comes the kiwi only to find out that not only is the room booked out but the englishman an the ozzy have taken rooms with the owners animals and all that's left is aroom with the owners 18 daughters

    Next day they all meet up outside an the englishman strecthes an says "I feel great and I slept like a cat last night" The ozzy replies "well i I slept like a dog last night and i too feel pretty good" to which the kiwi chimes in "I slept like a golfball last night and boy am i buggered"
    "What" exclaim the englishman and the ozzy
    To which the kiwi replies in and out of 18 holes

    Obviously only played the one course on offer then.

  2. #222
    Confusion Master
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    Senior Moments



    LOST IN THE DARNDEST PLACES:

    An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into.



    She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher:



    "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.

    The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."

    A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."
    __________________________________________________ ______________________

    FAMILY

    Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together.



    One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"



    The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?"



    The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
    __________________________________________________ _____________________! _

    "I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"

    Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"

    "No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."

    And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
    __________________________________________________ _____________________

    LITTLE LADY:

    A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.



    As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex."



    She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."

    He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
    __________________________________________________ _____________________

    OLD FRIENDS:

    Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

    One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me .. I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."

    Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.



    Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
    __________________________________________________ _____________________

    SENIOR DRIVING

    As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!"

    "Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
    __________________________________________________ _____________________

    DRIVING

    Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard.

    As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection.

    The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.

    The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it.

    I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

    After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again.

    Again, they went right through.

    The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it.

  3. #223
    Newbie CaMarO_CowGiRL's Avatar
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    What do you call a black man flying a plane?














    A pilot you f'ing racist!

  4. #224
    Newbie CaMarO_CowGiRL's Avatar
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    Talking

    ^ that's a good one.

    I propose we have a gender joke war.

    I'll start it up in a new thread. I'm coming after you first tj

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