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Thread: Jokes thread

  1. #21
    Raw Wave BoyNextDoor's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Chairboy
    Holy crap, BnD. I'm making jet noises while zooming my hand backwards over the top of my head. Do you know what this means and how it applies to you?
    ???

  2. #22
    Unregistered User ODYSSEY's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by BoyNextDoor
    ???
    Watch out for the landing gear...
    ODYSSEY

    Quote Originally Posted by Tidder View Post
    Hey, as long as it's not any particular race I'm offending, I can stand to be a pedophile.
    All information expressed in this post is my opinion, and should not be regarded as a statement of fact.
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  3. #23
    Confusion Master
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    Quote Originally Posted by ODYSSEY
    Watch out for the landing gear...

    Why has someone thrown some drugs out of a plane?

  4. #24
    Bowel movement jjh221's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by migel628
    My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year when we decided to
    get married. My parents helped us in every way, and my friends encouraged
    me.

    My girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me. That one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight miniskirts, and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me, and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

    One day I went to pick up the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she could not overcome and did not really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and could not say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.

    When she reached the top, she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house and walked straight toward my car.

    My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We could not ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!"

    The moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car

    hahahahahahahahaha oh **** im crying, thats horribly funny.
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  5. #25
    Constant Bitrate RPI Geek's Avatar
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    A man has 3 girlfriends, but doesn't know which to marry. He decides to give each $5000 and see how they spend it.
    The first gets a total makeover; new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."
    The second goes out and buys new golf clubs, CD player, television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you because I love you so much."
    The third takes the $5000 and invests in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."
    The man thinks long and hard about how each of the women spent the money, and decides to marry the one with the biggest breasts.
    Old plans out the window because of an accident .
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  6. #26
    Constant Bitrate RPI Geek's Avatar
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    In his book," Sled Driver," SR- 71/ Blackbird pilot Brian Shul writes:

    I'll always remember a certain radio exchange that occurred one day as Walt (my backseater) and I were screaming across Southern California 13 miles high. We were monitoring various radio transmissions from other aircraft as we entered Los Angeles airspace. Though they didn't really control us, they did monitor our movement across their scope. I heard a Cessna ask for a readout of its groundspeed. "90 knots" Center replied. Moments later, a Twin Beech required the same. "120 knots," Center answered. We weren't the only ones proud of our groundspeed that day as almost instantly an F-18 smugly transmitted, "Ah, Center, Dusty 52 requests groundspeed readout." There was a slight pause, then the response, "525 knots on the ground, Dusty." Another silent pause. As I was thinking to myself how ripe a situation this was, I heard a familiar click of a radio transmission coming from my backseater. It was at that precise moment I realized Walt and I had become a real crew, for we were both thinking in unison. "Center, Aspen 20, you got a groundspeed readout for us?" There was a longer than normal pause.... "Aspen, I show 1,742 knots." No further inquiries were heard on that frequency.

    ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ++++++++++++++++++++++++

    In another famous SR-71 story, Los Angeles Center reported receiving a request for clearance to FL 60 (60,000ft).
    The incredulous controller, with some disdain in his voice, asked, "How do you plan to get up to 60,000 feet?
    The pilot (obviously a sled driver), responded, " We don't plan to go up to it, we plan to come down to it..."
    He was cleared...

    ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ++++++++++++++++++++++++
    There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing, because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked."
    Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.
    "Ah", the fighter pilot remarked, " one of those dreaded seven-engine approaches!"

    ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ++++++++++++++++++++++++
    A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight.
    While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
    Student: "When I was number one for takeoff".

    ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ++++++++++++++++++++++++
    Taxiing down the tarmac, the DC10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was the problem?" "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine...." explained the flight attendant. "It took us a while to find a new pilot."

    ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ++++++++++++++++++++++++
    "TWA 2341, for noise abatement, turn right 45 Degrees."
    "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
    "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
    Old plans out the window because of an accident .
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  7. #27
    Constant Bitrate RPI Geek's Avatar
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    A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a new litter of kittens. On
    returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother,"There were two boy
    kittens and two girl kittens."

    "How did you know that?" his mother asked.

    "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's
    printed on the bottom.

    -----

    Marriage
    - When my wife and I divorced, we split the house fifty-fifty. She got the
    inside and I got the outside.

    - My wife complained that cleaning the house nearly kills her. So I bought
    us a bigger house.

    - I met my wife at a travel agency. She was looking for a vacation and I
    was the last resort.

    - I bought my wife an electric typewriter. Now I'm looking for a chair to
    match.

    -----

    Boss spelled backwards is, double S O B.

    -----

    You Know You're a Mother When....
    You count the sprinkles on each kid's cupcake to make sure they are equal.
    You plot to get even with the kid who broke your child's toy and made him cry.
    You can remove chewing gum from just about anything.
    You hide in the bathroom to be alone.
    Someone else's kid throws up at a party, and you can keep eating.
    You believe finger paints should be a controlled substance.
    You read "Once Upon A Potty" out loud in a crowded waiting room.
    You hope ketchup is a vegetable, since it's the only one your child eats.
    You tell your child that TOYS R US is a toy museum, not a store.
    You find yourself cutting all sandwiches into unusual shapes.
    You fast-forward the VCR through the scene where Bambi's mother gets killed.
    You become a member of three aquariums because your kid loves sharks.
    You obsess when your child clings to you during the first week of school.
    You obsess again as they skip away without looking back the second week.
    You can't bear to give away baby clothes.
    You hear your mom's voice coming out of your mouth: "Not in your good
    clothes".
    You stop criticizing the way your mother raised you.
    You donate to charity in the hope that your child won't get that disease.
    You read a 5-year-old asks 437 questions a day. You feel your kid is above
    average.
    You hire a sitter; go out with hubby; then spend half the night phoning home.

    -----

    A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said
    "I'm here because my house burned down and everything I owned was destroyed
    by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything."

    "That's quite a coincidence", said the engineer, "I'm here because my house
    and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company
    also paid for everything."

    The lawyer looked somewhat confused. "How do you start a flood?", he asked.

    -----

    An artist, a lawyer, and a computer technician are discussing the merits of
    a mistress. The artist tells of the excitement, the passion, and the thrill
    which comes with the risk of being discovered.

    The lawyer warns of the difficulties. It can lead to guilt, divorce,
    bankruptcy. Not worth it... too many problems he says.

    The computer technician says, "It's the best thing that's ever happened to
    me. My wife thinks I'm with my mistress. My mistress thinks I'm home with
    my wife, and I can spend all night on the computer!"

    -----

    TODDLER PROPERTY LAWS
    1. If I like it, it's mine.
    2. If it's in my hand, it's mine.
    3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
    4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
    5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
    6. If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.
    7. If it looks just like mine, it's mine.
    8. If I saw it first, it's mine.
    9. If you are playing with something, and you put it down, it automatically
    becomes mine.
    10. If it's broken, it's yours. (No, the pieces are probably still mine.)

    -----

    A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner "Mom & Pop" grocery
    picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked
    over, and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he hada lot of laundry
    to do.

    "Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog."

    "But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you
    wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him."

    But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter
    and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing
    his dog.
    About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The
    grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.

    "Oh, he died," the boy said.

    The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog
    died but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog."

    "Well, the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him."

    "Oh? What was it then?"

    "I think it was the rinse cycle!"

    -----

    An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had
    been sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, the husband
    turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy
    nightgown, and whispered,
    "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything
    he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and
    pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it."

    "Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel
    that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a really nice,
    tight-looking ***!!!!!!!"

    -----

    Judi and Jon got married and she was at the drug store looking at the men's
    toiletries. A clerk comes up to help her and asks if she needs assistance.

    "I'm looking for some deodorant for my new husband, Jon, but I don't know
    what type he uses."

    The clerk says, "Is it the ball type?"

    "No," says Judi, it's for his underarms."
    Old plans out the window because of an accident .
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    Need: Time, HU integration, ideas for Lilli

  8. #28
    Constant Bitrate RPI Geek's Avatar
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    A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with a pet dog
    he doted on. The dog finally died and Muldoon went to the parish priest
    and asked,"Father, the dog is dead. Could you be saying a mass for the
    creature?"

    Father Patrick replied, "No, we cannot have services for an animal in the
    church, but there's a new denomination down the road, no telling what they
    believe, but maybe they'll do something for the animal."

    Muldoon said "I'll go right now. Do you think $50,000 is enough to donate
    for the service?"

    Father Patrick asked, "Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic?"

    -----

    Three boys were heading home from school one day when one started the
    time-honored game of paternal one-upmanship. He said, "My dad's way faster
    than any of yours, he can throw a 90-mph fastball from the pitcher's mound
    and run and catch it just after it crosses the plate!"

    One of the other boys said, "Oh yeah? Well my dad can shoot an arrow from
    his bow and run to the target and hold it up to make sure the arrow hits
    the bullseye!"

    The last boy said, "Your dads don't even come close to being faster than
    mine. My dad's a civil servant, and even though he works every day until
    4:00 he gets home at 3:30!"

    -----

    The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven. He's met by the reception
    committee, and after a whirlwind tour he is told that he can enjoy any of
    the myriad of recreations available. He decides that he wants to read all
    of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures, so he spends the next
    eon or so learning the languages.

    After becoming a linguistic master, he sits down in the library and begins
    to pour over every version of the Bible, working back from the most recent
    "Easy Reading" to the original script. All of a sudden there is a scream in
    the library.

    The Angels come running in only to find the Pope huddled in his chair,
    crying to himself, and muttering, "An 'R'! The scribes left out the 'R'."

    A particularly concerned Angel takes him aside, offering comfort, and asks
    him what the problem is and what does he mean.

    After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again, "It's the letter 'R'. They
    left out the 'R'. The word was supposed to be CELEBRATE!"

    -----

    "Hey, man, you look terrible," Brad remarked to his friend Pete. "What's up?"

    "Two months ago, my aunt Betty died -- and left me $20,000," Pete replied.

    "Sorry to hear about that. Is that why you're bummed out?"

    Pete shook his head. "Last month, my grandfather died -- and left me
    $50,000."

    "Two deaths in two months," Brad said. "That's tough."

    "But this month," Pete sighed, "nothing."

    -----

    An Airman sits down at a bar and leans over to the guy next to him. He says
    "Wanna hear a MARINE joke?".

    The guy replies in a gravely voice, "Before you tell that joke, you should
    know something. I'm 6' tall, weigh 200 pounds, and I'm a MARINE. The guy
    sitting next to me is 6' 2" tall, weighs 220 pounds, and is a MARINE. The
    guy sitting next to him is 6' 4" tall, weighs 250 pounds, and is a MARINE.
    Now, do you still want to tell that joke?"

    The Airman thinks about it for a minute then says "Naw, I don't want to
    have to explain it three times."

    -----

    An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are all to give speeches to the
    Deaf Society. All are keen to make an impression on their audience.

    The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by
    rubbing first his chest and then his groin. When he finishes the Scotsman
    and Irishman ask him what he was doing.

    "Well" he explained" By rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus
    Ladies and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus Gentlemen. So my
    speech started Ladies and Gentlemen".

    On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself I'll go one
    better than that English bastard and started his speech by making an antler
    symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and
    his groin. When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing.

    "Well" he explained" By imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and
    groin I was starting my speech by saying Dear Ladies and Gentlemen".

    On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to himself I'll go one
    further than those mainland bastards and started his speech by making an
    antler symbol above his head, rubbing his chest, and then his groin, and
    then masturbating
    furiously. When he finished his colleagues asked him what he was doing.

    "Well" he explained," by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest and then my
    groin and then masturbating I was starting my speech by saying Dear Ladies
    and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure......."

    -----

    A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the
    sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye
    patch. The seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"

    The pirate replies "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard
    into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit
    my leg off"

    "Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"? "Well...", replied the
    pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors
    with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off."

    "Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eyepatch"? "A
    seagull dropping fell into my eye.", replied the pirate. "You lost your eye
    to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.

    "Well...", said the pirate, "...it was my first day with the hook."

    -----

    This is a true story from a coutroom in America.

    A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: "My
    client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling
    articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the
    whole individual for an offense committed by his limb." "Well put," the judge
    replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's
    imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."

    The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial
    limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
    Old plans out the window because of an accident .
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  9. #29
    Constant Bitrate RPI Geek's Avatar
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    One of my favorites...

    The National Poetry Contest had come down to the last two, a Yale graduate and a redneck from Texas. They were given a word, then they were allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word that they were given was "Timbuktu."

    First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:

    Slowly across the desert sand
    trekked a lonely caravan;
    Men on camels, two by two
    destination Timbuktu.

    The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:

    Me and Tim a huntin' went.
    Met three whores in a pop up tent.
    They was three, and we was two,
    so I bucked one, and Timbuktu.

    The redneck won hands down!

    --

    I have lots more jokes too, this is about 1/10 of what i have sitting in a folder on my computer :P Maybe I'll just post a few each day
    Old plans out the window because of an accident .
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  10. #30
    Tainted Love Cris's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by migel628
    My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year when we decided to
    get married. My parents helped us in every way, and my friends encouraged
    me.

    My girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me. That one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight miniskirts, and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me, and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

    One day I went to pick up the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she could not overcome and did not really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and could not say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.

    When she reached the top, she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house and walked straight toward my car.

    My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We could not ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!"

    The moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car








    Quote Originally Posted by RPI Geek
    A man has 3 girlfriends, but doesn't know which to marry. He decides to give each $5000 and see how they spend it.
    The first gets a total makeover; new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."
    The second goes out and buys new golf clubs, CD player, television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you because I love you so much."
    The third takes the $5000 and invests in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."
    The man thinks long and hard about how each of the women spent the money, and decides to marry the one with the biggest breasts.


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