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Thread: Jokes thread

  1. #31
    Constant Bitrate KB5WID's Avatar
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    My wife Toni is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be something akin to, "hey y'all, hold my beer and watch this!"

    Well, I have outdone myself once again.

    No doubt you will see this true story chronicled in a Lifetime movie in the near future.

    Here goes.

    Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn that tickled my fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled).

    I bought something really cool for Toni.

    The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl.

    What I came cross was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with a clip.

    For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a less-than- lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you flee to safety.

    The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety.

    You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek.

    If you've never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly missing out--way too cool!

    Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

    I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.

    Nothing!

    I was so disappointed.

    Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin' directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would not create an arc between the prongs.


    How disappointing!

    I do love fire for effect.

    I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs thatI was so looking forward to.

    I did so.

    Awesome!!!

    Sparks, a blue arc of electricity, and a loud pop!!!

    Yippee . .

    I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

    Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, etc., etc.

    There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not Gracie) and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target.

    I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie for a fraction of a second and thought better of it.

    She is such a sweet kitty, after all.

    But, if I was going to give this thing to Toni to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

    Am I wrong?

    Was I wrong to think that?

    Seemed reasonable to me at the time.

    So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer in another.

    The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

    All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no friggin' way!"

    Friggin' way--trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

    What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

    Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed.

    I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it buddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?).

    I decided to give myself one-second burst just for the hell of it.

    (Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight--always twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya hate that?)

    I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY **************!

    DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!!

    I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over and over again.

    I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position.


    Gracie was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"

    (Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.

    Then, if you're lucky, you won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like yours truly.)

    SON-OF-A-***** that hurt!

    A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

    My reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.

    How did they get there???

    My triceps, right thigh and both titties were still twitching.

    My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give or take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure.

    By the way, has anyone seen my testicles?

    I think they ran away.

    I'm offering a reward.

    They're round, rather large, kinda hairy, and handsome if I must say so myself.

    Miss 'em . . . sure would like to get 'em back.

  2. #32
    Newbie hot_98_civic's Avatar
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    Who's on first?

    If Abbott and Costello were still around today their famous sketch "Who's on first?" might have turned out something like this....

    COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT . . .

    ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

    COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

    ABBOTT: Mac?

    COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

    ABBOTT: Your computer?

    COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

    ABBOTT: Mac?

    COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

    ABBOTT: What about Windows?

    COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

    ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

    COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows?

    ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

    COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

    ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

    COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you got?

    ABBOTT: Office.

    COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

    ABBOTT: I just did.

    COSTELLO: You just did what?

    ABBOTT: Recommend something.

    COSTELLO: You recommended something?

    ABBOTT: Yes.

    COSTELLO: For my office?

    ABBOTT: Yes.

    COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

    ABBOTT: Office.

    COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

    ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

    COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, lets just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

    ABBOTT: Word.

    COSTELLO: What word?

    ABBOTT: Word in Office.

    COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

    ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

    COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

    ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".

    COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?

    ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.

    COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!

    ABBOTT: Real One.

    COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I also want to see reel 2, 3 &4. Can I watch them?

    ABBOTT: Of course.

    COSTELLO: Great! With what?

    ABBOTT: Real One.

    COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?

    ABBOTT: You click the blue "1".

    COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?

    ABBOTT: The blue "1".

    COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?

    ABBOTT: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word.

    COSTELLO: What word?

    ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

    COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for windows"!

    ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.

    COSTELLO: It is?

    ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.

    COSTELLO: And that word is real one?

    ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office.

    COSTELLO: STOP! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

    ABBOTT: Money.

    COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

    ABBOTT: Money.

    COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

    ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer

    COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

    ABBOTT: Money.

    COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

    ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

    COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

    ABBOTT: One copy.

    COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

    ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy money.

    COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

    ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

    A FEW DAYS LATER . . .

    ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

    COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

    ABBOTT: Click on "START"..........

  3. #33
    Takes it in the Rear kevinlekiller's Avatar
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    hot_98 ; keep it coming (with the abbott costello thing).

  4. #34
    Maximum Bitrate
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  5. #35
    Constant Bitrate Lando's Avatar
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    A guy goes to a prostitute requesting cunnilingus. She say okay and opens wide. While he's down there eating he gets a mouth full of chicken. A little puzzled, he continues. After a little while longer, he gets a mouth full of peas, but comtinues anyway. But after he gets a mouth full of mashed potatos, her finally says "What's wrong are you sick?" then she says "No, but the guy before you was"
    Aut cum scuto, aut in scuto

  6. #36
    FLAC Spaghetti's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by RPI Geek
    An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are all to give speeches to the
    Deaf Society. All are keen to make an impression on their audience.

    The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by
    rubbing first his chest and then his groin. When he finishes the Scotsman
    and Irishman ask him what he was doing.

    "Well" he explained" By rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus
    Ladies and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus Gentlemen. So my
    speech started Ladies and Gentlemen".

    On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself I'll go one
    better than that English bastard and started his speech by making an antler
    symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and
    his groin. When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing.

    "Well" he explained" By imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and
    groin I was starting my speech by saying Dear Ladies and Gentlemen".

    On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to himself I'll go one
    further than those mainland bastards and started his speech by making an
    antler symbol above his head, rubbing his chest, and then his groin, and
    then masturbating
    furiously. When he finished his colleagues asked him what he was doing.

    "Well" he explained," by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest and then my
    groin and then masturbating I was starting my speech by saying Dear Ladies
    and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure......."
    In da club....

    ALIZEE WANTS YOU.....

    (\__/)
    (='.'=)
    (")_(")
    Bunny's first poo
    __ U

  7. #37
    The Lavender Tie Just
    Made It Obvious
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    Oldie but goodie

    Dealing With AT&T

    Me: Hello?
    AT&T: Hello, this is AT&TÖ
    Me: Is this AT&T?
    AT&T: Yes, this is AT&TÖ
    Me: Is this AT&T?
    AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T; may I speak to Mr. Byron please?
    Me: May I ask who is calling?
    AT&T: This is AT&T.
    Me: OK, Hold on.


    At this point, I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes, thinking that, surely, this person would have hung up the phone. Much to my surprise, when I picked up the receiver, they were still waiting.


    Me: Hello?
    AT&T: Is this Mr. Line?
    Me: May I ask who is calling please?
    AT&T: This is AT&T
    Me: Is this AT&T?
    AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T.
    Me: This is AT&T?
    AT&T: Yes, is this MR. Line?
    Me: Yes, is this AT&T?
    AT&T: Yes sir.
    Me: The phone company?
    AT&T: Yes sir.
    Me: I thought you said this was AT&T.
    AT&T: Yes sir, we are a phone company.
    Me: I already have a phone.
    AT&T: We arenít selling phones today, Mr. Line.
    Me: Well, whatever it is, Iím really not interested, but thanks for calling.

    When you are not interested in something, I donít think that you can express yourself any plainer than by saying ďIím really not interestedĒ. But this lady was persistent.

    AT&T: Mr. Line, we would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.

    Now, I am sure she meant she was offering a ďrateĒ of 10 cents a minute, but she at no time used the word rate. I could clearly see that it was time to whip out the trusty old calculator and do a little ciphering.

    Me: Now, thatís 10 cents a minute 24 hours a day?
    AT&T: (Getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes sir, that right! 24 hours a day!
    Me: 7 days a week?
    AT&T: Thatís right.
    Me: 365 days a year?
    AT&T: Yes sir.
    Me: I am definitely interested in that! WOW!! Thatís amazing!
    AT&T: We think so!
    Me: Thatís quite a sum of money!
    AT&T: Yes sir, itís amazing how it ads up.
    Me: OK, so will you send me a check weekly, monthly, or just one big one at the end of the year for the full $52,560, and if you send an annual check, can I get a cash advance?
    AT&T: Excuse me?
    Me: You know, the 10 cents a minute.
    AT&T: What are you talking about?
    Me: You said youíd give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. That comes out to $144 a day. $1008 per week. $52,560 a year. Iím just interested in knowing how you will be making the payment.
    AT&T: Oh no sir, I didnít mean that weíd be paying you. You pay us 10 cents a minute.
    Me: Wait a minute here!!! Didnít you say youíd give me 10 cents a minute? Are you sure this is AT&T?
    AT&T: Well, yes this is AT&T sir but......
    Me: But nothing, how do you figure that by saying that youíll give me 10 cents a minute that I`ll give you 10 cents a minute? Is this some kind of subliminal telemarketing scheme? Iíve read about things like this in the Enquirer you know. Donít use your alien brainwashing techniques on me.
    AT&T: No sir we are offering 10 cents a minute for.....
    Me: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please!
    AT&T: Sir, I donít think that is necessary.
    Me: Sure! You say that now! What happens later?
    AT&T: What?
    Me: I insist on speaking to a supervisor!
    AT&T: Yes Mr. Line. Please hold on.

    So now AT&T has me on hold and my supper is getting cold. I begin to
    eat while Iím waiting for a supervisor. After a wait of a few minutes
    and while I have a mouth full of food:
    Supervisor: Mr. Line?
    Me: Yeth?
    Supervisor: I understand you do not quite understand our 10 cents a minute program.
    Me: Id thish Ath Teeth & Teeth?
    Supervisor: Yes sir, it sure is.
    I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do to suppress my laughter and I had to be careful not to produce a snort.
    Me: No, actually I was just waiting for someone to get back to me so that I could sign up for the plan.
    Supervisor: OK, no problem, I`ll transfer you back to the person who was helping you.
    Me: Thank you.
    I was on hold once again and was getting really hungry. I needed to
    end this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite voice at the other end of the phone.
    AT&T: Hello Mr. Line, I understand that you are interested in signing up for our plan?
    Me: Do you have that friends and family thing because you can never
    have enough friends and Iím an only child and Iíd really like to have a little brother...
    AT&T: (click)


  8. #38
    Newbie
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    A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were playing golf. The party at the next tee were hitting balls all over the place and taking forever to finish each hole. The doctor says "what is wrong with those guys, they are taking forever to tee off?" The priest says "There's George, the groundskeeper. Let's ask him"

    George comes over and says "Oh that's a real sad story Father. Those are blind firemen. The came to put out a fire at the clubhouse and were blinded by the smoke. We felt so bad for them that we let them play for free."

    The priest replies "Oh, how tragic, I will pray for them."
    The doctor says "I know an ophthalmologist, maybe I can get these guys some help."

    The engineer says "Why can't they play at night?"
    Maybe not as funny to others, but being an engineer and working with others, I can certainly appreciate it. Then there's always dead baby jokes, but only half the people would appreciate them and they have probably already heard 'em too. OH, and there's this one too:

    What do you do when a epileptic is having a seizure in a hot tob....?

    Throw in your laundry!
    PCChips M789 v3 w/ Samuel 2000+ S3Vid Lan AC97, 40 GB 7200PRM, 512 DDR266, Xenarc 700YV, PAC AAI-GM9 Headunit Adapter, Sirius Sportster, touchpad mouse input.

  9. #39
    Confusion Master
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    Maria is a devoted wife: She gets married and has 17children.......Soon
    after the last child is born, her husband dies.....A few weeks later she
    remarried, and over the following years has another 22 children with her
    second husband......After the last child is born her second husband also
    dies......Within a month Maria is engaged to be married for the third
    time.......Unfortunately, she becomes very ill and dies. At her funeral
    the priest looks tenderly at Maria as she lies in her coffin, he looks
    up to heaven and says:

    "At last they are finally together".

    A man standing next to the priest asks, "Excuse me, Father, but do you
    mean Maria and her first husband, or Maria and her second husband?"

    The priest replied "I mean her legs

  10. #40
    Confusion Master
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    A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately,
    the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When
    he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back
    into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his
    head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.


    "Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?" he yelled with
    surprising forcefulness. No one answered. "Alright, I'm gonna have another
    beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do
    what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!"
    Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had
    another beer, walked outside, and his horse had been returned to the post.


    He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out
    of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in
    Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

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