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Thread: Jokes thread

  1. #41
    My Village Called 0l33l's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Enforcer
    A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately,
    the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When
    he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back
    into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his
    head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.


    "Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?" he yelled with
    surprising forcefulness. No one answered. "Alright, I'm gonna have another
    beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do
    what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!"
    Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had
    another beer, walked outside, and his horse had been returned to the post.


    He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out
    of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in
    Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

  2. #42
    The Lavender Tie Just
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    Car Computer Joke from Y2K

    Computers and Cars:

    For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.

    At COMDEX recently, Bill Gats reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with the technology like the computer industry has, we'd all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000MPG." In response to Bill's comments, GM issued a press release stating the following; If GM developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

    1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash 2x/day.
    2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
    3. Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would accept this.
    4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case, you would have to reinstall the engine.
    5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, 5X as fast and 2x as easy to drive, but would only run on 5% of the roads.
    6. The Oil, water temp., and alternator lights would all be replaced by a single "Your Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.
    7. The air-bag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
    8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
    9. Every time a new car was introduced, car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again, because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
    10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn off the engine.

    That's it.

    Enjoy!!

    Peace,

    Rafster

  3. #43
    The Lavender Tie Just
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    Airline Attendant Jokes

    All too rarely, airline attendant make an effort to make the in-flight safety lecture and their announcements a bit more entertaining.

    Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
    ************************************************** ******
    On a Continental flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and Gentelman, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
    ************************************************** ******
    On landing the stewardess said "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."
    ************************************************** ******
    "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but only 4 ways out of this airplane."
    ************************************************** ******
    "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
    ************************************************** ******
    As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington International, a lone voice came over the loud speaker: "Whoa, big fella, WHOA!"
    ************************************************** ******
    After a particularly tough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because after a landing like that, sure as hell, everything has shifted."
    ************************************************** ******
    "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child....pick your favorite."
    ************************************************** ******
    "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
    ************************************************** ******
    And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
    ************************************************** ******
    Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said: "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airplane's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault.....it was the asphalt!" (OMG...... that was just rediculously corny)
    ************************************************** ******
    Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
    ************************************************** ******
    Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurised metal tub, we hope that you'll think of US Airways."
    ************************************************** ******
    1 more flight attendant joke in the next post-----

  4. #44
    The Lavender Tie Just
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    A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom. "Ladies and gentlmen, this is your captain speaking. Welcom to Flight # 293, nonstop from NY to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventfull flight. Now sit back, and relax - OH MY GOD! -" Silence followed and afer a few minutes the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and gentlmen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee on my lap. You should see the front of my pants!!!!"

    A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine."




    That's it!

    Enjoy!

    Peace,

    Rafster

  5. #45
    Constant Bitrate
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    One of my favourites was on kulula airlines in South Africa and went something like this:

    ".. smoking is not permitted at any time on the aircraft. There are smoke detectors and cameras in the toilets, and if you are caught smoking you will be asked to immediately leave the aircraft and finish your cigarette outside."

    And then a bit later..
    ".. and a reminder that if anyone feels the urge for a quicky in the toilets, that there are cameras, and you will be providing the in-flight entertainment for the rest of the passengers.."

  6. #46
    Confusion Master
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    A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked,

    "How long before I can get a haircut?"
    The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours."

    The guy left.

    A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

    The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours."

    The guy left.

    A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

    The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and half." The guy left.

    The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey, Bill, do me a favour. Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back."

    A little while later, Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

    The barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves?"

    Bill looked up, tears in his eyes and said, "Your house."

  7. #47
    Confusion Master
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    HEY GEORGE...

    George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?

    Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.

    George: Great. Lay it on me.

    Condi: Hu is the new leader of China .

    George: That's what I want to know.

    Condi: That's what I'm telling you.

    George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China ?

    Condi: Yes.

    George: I mean the fellow's name.

    Condi: Hu.

    George: The guy in China.

    Condi: Hu.

    George: The new leader of China .

    Condi: Hu.

    George: The main man in China !

    Condi: Hu is leading China

    George: Now whaddya' asking me for?

    Condi: I'm telling you, Hu is leading China.

    George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China

    Condi: That's the man's name.

    George: That's who's name?

    Condi: Yes.

    George: Will you, or will you not, tell me the name of the new leader of
    China ?

    Condi: Yes, sir.

    George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he's dead in the
    Middle East .

    Condi: That's correct.

    George: Then who is in China ?

    Condi: Yes, sir.

    George: Yassir is in China ?

    Condi: No, sir.

    George: Then who is?

    Condi: Yes, sir.

    George: Yassir?

    Condi: No, sir.

    George: Look Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China .
    Get me the Secretary General of
    the U.N. on the phone.

    Condi: Kofi?

    George: No, thanks.

    Condi: You want Kofi?

    George: No.

    Condi: You don't want Kofi.

    George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And
    then get me the U.N.

    Condi: Yes, sir.

    George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.

    Condi: Kofi?

    George: Milk! Will you please make the call?

    Condi: And call who?

    George: Who is the guy at the U.N?

    Condi: Hu is the guy in China

    George: Will you stay out of China?!

    Condi: Yes, sir.

    George: And stay out of the Middle East ! Just get me the guy at the U.N.

    Condi: Kofi.

    George: All right! With cream and two sugars.

  8. #48
    Confusion Master
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    A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

    Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

    The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

    The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

    The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

    The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

    At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

    The first worm in alcohol - Dead.

    The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.

    Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead.

    Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

    So the Minister asked the congregation - What can you learn from this demonstration?

    A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said,
    "As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

    Don't you just love little old ladies????

  9. #49
    Constant Bitrate elmo's Avatar
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    what do you get if you cross michael jackson with arnold shwarzzanigger

    michael wazzanigger
    www.streetrace.co.uk - The UK's best modified car club (With lots of 16/17/18 year olds for scouse to abuse)

  10. #50
    Maximum Bitrate shizzle's Avatar
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    Im sure most of you heard this one but here goes:

    What is George W. Bush's position on Roe vs. Wade?

    He thinks both are good options for people to get out of New Orleans.
    Carputer status: [-*---------]
    Im thinking laptop...

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