How many babies does it take to paint a wall?
Only one, but you have to throw it ******* hard
How many babies does it take to paint a wall?
Only one, but you have to throw it ******* hard
Two monkies in a bath, one says "ohhahaaaha ahaha ahahaa ahah" (high pitched monkey talk)
The other says "put some cold in then"
Originally Posted by Enforcer
Now that's why you're a confusion master! :lol:
Last Week Was My Birthday And I Didn't Feel Very Well Waking Up That
Morning. I Went Downstairs For Breakfast Hoping My Wife Would Be
And Say, "happy Birthday!", And Possibly Have A Present For Me.
As It Turned Out, She Barely Said Good Morning, Let Alone "happy
I Thought... Well, That's Marriage For You, But The Kids Will
Kids Came Into Breakfast And Didn't Say A Word.
So When I Left For The Office, I Was Feeling Pretty Low And Somewhat
As I Walked Into My Office, My Secretary Jane Said, "good Morning,
Happy Birthday!" It Felt A Little Better That At Least Someone Had
I Worked Until One O'clock And Then Jane Knocked On My Door And Said,
Know, It's Such A Beautiful Day Outside, And It's Your Birthday, Let's
Out To Lunch, Just You And Me." I Said, "thanks Jane, That's The
Thing I've Heard All Day. Let's Go!"
We Went To Lunch. But We Didn't Go Where We Normally Would Go. We
Instead At A Little Place With A Private Table. We Had Two Martinis
And I Enjoyed The Meal Tremendously.
On The Way Back To The Office, Jane Said, "you Know, It's Such A
Day... We Don't Need To Go Back To The Office, Do We?" I Responded, "i
Guess Not. What Do You Have In Mind?" She Said, "let's Go To My
After Arriving At Her Apartment Jane Turned To Me And Said, "boss, If
Don't Mind, I'm Going To Step Into The Bedroom For A Moment. I'll Be
"ok." I Nervously Replied.
She Went Into The Bedroom And, After A Couple Of Minutes, She Came Out
Carrying A Huge Birthday Cake... Followed By My Wife, Kids, And Dozens
My Friends And Co-workers, All Singing "happy Birthday".
And I Just Sat There...
On The Couch...
Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a
local neighborhood bar.
Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so
intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the
parking lot for a few minutes with the officer quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different
vehicles, the man managed to find his own car which he fell into.
He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar
and drove off.
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a dry
night), flicked the hazard flasher on and off, tooted the horn and then
switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches,
a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as more
patrons left in their vehicles.
At last he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly
down the street.
The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started
up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man
over and carried out a breathalyzer test.
To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of man having
consumed alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to
the Police station, this breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it," said the man, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
FROM A FEMALE PERSPECTIVE:
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a
slowdown in the performance of the flower and jewellery applications
that had operated flawlessly under the Boyfriend 5.0 system.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such
as Romance 9.9, but installed undesirable programs such as NFL7.4,
ESPN 3.2 and Major League Baseball 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 also no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply
crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these
problems, but to no avail. What can I do?
First, keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 was an entertainment package,
while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.
Try to enter the command: C:/I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install
Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications: Guilt 3.3 and
Flowers 7.5. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to such
background applications as Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.
Please remember that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create
Snoring Loudly.WAV files.
DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program.
These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
It could also potentially cause Husband 1.0 to default to the program:
Girlfriend 9.2, which runs in the background and has been known to
introduce potentially serious viruses into the Operating System.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited
memory and can't learn new applications quickly.
You might consider buying additional software to enhance his system
performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Budweiser 4.5
combined with such applications as Boob Job 36D and that old standby --
Lingerie 6.9 (which have both been credited with improved performance of
FROM A MALE PERSPECTIVE:
Eighteen months ago I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Barfly4.2,
which I'd used for years without any trouble.
However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products, and
the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.
To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is also incompatible with several
other applications, such as Guys Nite Out 3.1, Football 2.0 and Playboy 6.1.
Successive versions of Girlfriend have proved no better. A shareware
beta-programme, Party Girl 2.1 had many bugs and left a virus in my system,
forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks. Eventually I tried
to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover
that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage
to all my hardware.
Sensing a way out, I upgraded to FiancÚ 1.0 only to discover that this
product has to be upgraded to Wife 1.0. I did this largely because,
whilst Wife 1.0 uses up all available resources, it does come bundled
with FreeSex Plus and Cleanhouse 2000. However, I discovered that Wife
1.0 can be very unstable and costly to run. For example, any mistakes I
made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be
deleted. Not only that, they then re-surfaced months later.
Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary Explorer and E-mail porn filter, and
can, without warning, launch Hot Tongue 2.1 and Cold Shoulder 4.2. These
latter products have no helpfiles and require you to try and guess the
problem yourself. Additional costly problems are that the Wife 1.0 bundle
that came with the original system needs updating regularly, requiring
Shoe Shop Browser Pro for new attachments, and Hairstyle Express needs to be
reinstalled every other week.
Wife 1.0 also has a rather annoying pop-up called Mother-in-Law, which
can't be turned off.
Never Lose Your Phone
There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a local golf
club after a round, showering and getting ready for the 19th hole.
Suddenly, a mobile phone on one of the benches rings. One of the men
picks it up and the following conversation ensues:
W: Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?
W: Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a
beautiful leather coat. It's absolutely gorgeous! Can I buy it?
H: What's the price?
W: Only $1000.
H: Well, okay, go ahead and get it if you like it that much.
W: Ahh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2002
models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman and he gave
me a really good price...and since we need to exchange the BMW that we
bought last year...
H: What price did he quote you?
W: Only $60,000.
H: Okay, but for that price, I want it with all the options.
W: Great! But before we hang up, something else...
W: It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account
and I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and I saw the house
we had looked at last year. It's for sale! Remember the one with a
pool, English garden, acre of park area and beach front property?
H: How much are they asking?
W: Only $450,000, a magnificent price! and I see that we have that much
in the bank to cover it.
H. Well, then go ahead and buy it, just bid up to $450,000. Okay?
W: Okay sweetie, thanks! I'll see you later! I love you.
H: Bye, I love you too.
The man hangs up and closes the phone's flap. The other men are looking
at him in astonishment and derision.
The husband raises his hand while holding the phone and asks,
"Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By
giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally. The
test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which You
will have to make a decision. Remember that your answer needs to be
honest, yet spontaneous. Please scroll down slowly and give due
consideration to each line.
You are in New Orleans to be specific.
There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe
flooding. This is a flood of biblical proportions. You are photo
journalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the
middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless. you're
trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and people
swirling around you, some disappearing under the water. Nature is
unleashing all of its destructive fury.
Suddenly you see a man in the water. He is fighting for his life, trying
not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer. Somehow the man
looks familiar. You suddenly realize who it is. It's the President,
George W. Bush. At the same time you notice that the raging waters are
about to take him under forever. You have two options - you can save the
life of the President, or you
Can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death
of one of the world's most famous men.
Here's the question, and please give an honest answer.......
Would you select high contrast colour film?, or would you go with the
classic simplicity of black and white?
Black and white - defo
A bloody rough approach, we were out over the sea at about 50 ft. Banking and turning, up and down. Honestly I could have reached out over the wing and washed my underpants... By the time we landed I think everybody wished I had.