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Thread: Jokes thread

  1. #51
    Constant Bitrate elmo's Avatar
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    How many babies does it take to paint a wall?

    Only one, but you have to throw it ******* hard
    www.streetrace.co.uk - The UK's best modified car club (With lots of 16/17/18 year olds for scouse to abuse)

  2. #52
    Constant Bitrate elmo's Avatar
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    Two monkies in a bath, one says "ohhahaaaha ahaha ahahaa ahah" (high pitched monkey talk)

    The other says "put some cold in then"
    www.streetrace.co.uk - The UK's best modified car club (With lots of 16/17/18 year olds for scouse to abuse)

  3. #53
    Tainted Love Cris's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Enforcer
    HEY GEORGE...

    George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?

    Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.

    George: Great. Lay it on me.

    Condi: Hu is the new leader of China .

    George: That's what I want to know.

    Condi: That's what I'm telling you.

    George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China ?

    Condi: Yes.

    George: I mean the fellow's name.

    Condi: Hu.

    George: The guy in China.

    Condi: Hu.

    George: The new leader of China .

    Condi: Hu.

    George: The main man in China !

    Condi: Hu is leading China

    George: Now whaddya' asking me for?

    Condi: I'm telling you, Hu is leading China.

    George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China

    Condi: That's the man's name.

    George: That's who's name?

    Condi: Yes.

    George: Will you, or will you not, tell me the name of the new leader of
    China ?

    Condi: Yes, sir.

    George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he's dead in the
    Middle East .

    Condi: That's correct.

    George: Then who is in China ?

    Condi: Yes, sir.

    George: Yassir is in China ?

    Condi: No, sir.

    George: Then who is?

    Condi: Yes, sir.

    George: Yassir?

    Condi: No, sir.

    George: Look Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China .
    Get me the Secretary General of
    the U.N. on the phone.

    Condi: Kofi?

    George: No, thanks.

    Condi: You want Kofi?

    George: No.

    Condi: You don't want Kofi.

    George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And
    then get me the U.N.

    Condi: Yes, sir.

    George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.

    Condi: Kofi?

    George: Milk! Will you please make the call?

    Condi: And call who?

    George: Who is the guy at the U.N?

    Condi: Hu is the guy in China

    George: Will you stay out of China?!

    Condi: Yes, sir.

    George: And stay out of the Middle East ! Just get me the guy at the U.N.

    Condi: Kofi.

    George: All right! With cream and two sugars.


    Now that's why you're a confusion master!

  4. #54
    Bowel movement jjh221's Avatar
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    Last Week Was My Birthday And I Didn't Feel Very Well Waking Up That
    Morning. I Went Downstairs For Breakfast Hoping My Wife Would Be
    Pleasant
    And Say, "happy Birthday!", And Possibly Have A Present For Me.

    As It Turned Out, She Barely Said Good Morning, Let Alone "happy
    Birthday."

    I Thought... Well, That's Marriage For You, But The Kids Will
    Remember.
    My
    Kids Came Into Breakfast And Didn't Say A Word.

    So When I Left For The Office, I Was Feeling Pretty Low And Somewhat
    Despondent.

    As I Walked Into My Office, My Secretary Jane Said, "good Morning,
    Boss,
    Happy Birthday!" It Felt A Little Better That At Least Someone Had
    Remembered.

    I Worked Until One O'clock And Then Jane Knocked On My Door And Said,
    "you
    Know, It's Such A Beautiful Day Outside, And It's Your Birthday, Let's
    Go
    Out To Lunch, Just You And Me." I Said, "thanks Jane, That's The
    Greatest
    Thing I've Heard All Day. Let's Go!"

    We Went To Lunch. But We Didn't Go Where We Normally Would Go. We
    Dined
    Instead At A Little Place With A Private Table. We Had Two Martinis
    Each
    And I Enjoyed The Meal Tremendously.

    On The Way Back To The Office, Jane Said, "you Know, It's Such A
    Beautiful
    Day... We Don't Need To Go Back To The Office, Do We?" I Responded, "i
    Guess Not. What Do You Have In Mind?" She Said, "let's Go To My
    Apartment."


    After Arriving At Her Apartment Jane Turned To Me And Said, "boss, If
    You
    Don't Mind, I'm Going To Step Into The Bedroom For A Moment. I'll Be
    Right
    Back."

    "ok." I Nervously Replied.

    She Went Into The Bedroom And, After A Couple Of Minutes, She Came Out
    Carrying A Huge Birthday Cake... Followed By My Wife, Kids, And Dozens
    Of
    My Friends And Co-workers, All Singing "happy Birthday".

    And I Just Sat There...







    On The Couch...







    Naked.
    I GIVE FREE HUGS!
    Buy Sell or Trade
    If my pm box is full, please feel free to call me any time. 440-328-3382
    Thank you
    Forex
    Rate Mp3car @ FXroot.com


  5. #55
    Variable Bitrate roadhog's Avatar
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    Designated Driver


    Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a
    local neighborhood bar.

    Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so
    intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the
    parking lot for a few minutes with the officer quietly observing.

    After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different
    vehicles, the man managed to find his own car which he fell into.

    He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar
    and drove off.

    Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a dry
    night), flicked the hazard flasher on and off, tooted the horn and then
    switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches,
    reversed
    a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as more
    patrons left in their vehicles.

    At last he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly
    down the street.

    The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started
    up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man
    over and carried out a breathalyzer test.

    To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of man having
    consumed alcohol at all!

    Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to
    the Police station, this breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

    "I doubt it," said the man, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

  6. #56
    Variable Bitrate roadhog's Avatar
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    Software Packages


    FROM A FEMALE PERSPECTIVE:
    Dear Tech Support:
    Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a
    slowdown in the performance of the flower and jewellery applications
    that had operated flawlessly under the Boyfriend 5.0 system.
    In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such
    as Romance 9.9, but installed undesirable programs such as NFL7.4,
    ESPN 3.2 and Major League Baseball 4.1.
    Conversation 8.0 also no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply
    crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these
    problems, but to no avail. What can I do?
    Signed,
    Desperate.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Dear Desperate,
    First, keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 was an entertainment package,
    while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.
    Try to enter the command: C:/I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install
    Tears 6.2.
    Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications: Guilt 3.3 and
    Flowers 7.5. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to such
    background applications as Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.
    Please remember that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create
    Snoring Loudly.WAV files.
    DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program.
    These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
    It could also potentially cause Husband 1.0 to default to the program:
    Girlfriend 9.2, which runs in the background and has been known to
    introduce potentially serious viruses into the Operating System.
    In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited
    memory and can't learn new applications quickly.
    You might consider buying additional software to enhance his system
    performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Budweiser 4.5
    combined with such applications as Boob Job 36D and that old standby --
    Lingerie 6.9 (which have both been credited with improved performance of
    his hardware).
    Good Luck,
    Tech Support
    ************************************************** *************************
    FROM A MALE PERSPECTIVE:
    Eighteen months ago I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Barfly4.2,
    which I'd used for years without any trouble.
    However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products, and
    the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.
    To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is also incompatible with several
    other applications, such as Guys Nite Out 3.1, Football 2.0 and Playboy 6.1.
    Successive versions of Girlfriend have proved no better. A shareware
    beta-programme, Party Girl 2.1 had many bugs and left a virus in my system,
    forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks. Eventually I tried
    to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover
    that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage
    to all my hardware.
    Sensing a way out, I upgraded to FiancÚ 1.0 only to discover that this
    product has to be upgraded to Wife 1.0. I did this largely because,
    whilst Wife 1.0 uses up all available resources, it does come bundled
    with FreeSex Plus and Cleanhouse 2000. However, I discovered that Wife
    1.0 can be very unstable and costly to run. For example, any mistakes I
    made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be
    deleted. Not only that, they then re-surfaced months later.
    Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary Explorer and E-mail porn filter, and
    can, without warning, launch Hot Tongue 2.1 and Cold Shoulder 4.2. These
    latter products have no helpfiles and require you to try and guess the
    problem yourself. Additional costly problems are that the Wife 1.0 bundle
    that came with the original system needs updating regularly, requiring
    Shoe Shop Browser Pro for new attachments, and Hairstyle Express needs to be
    reinstalled every other week.
    Wife 1.0 also has a rather annoying pop-up called Mother-in-Law, which
    can't be turned off.

  7. #57
    Variable Bitrate roadhog's Avatar
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    Never Lose Your Phone


    There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a local golf
    club after a round, showering and getting ready for the 19th hole.
    Suddenly, a mobile phone on one of the benches rings. One of the men
    picks it up and the following conversation ensues:
    H: Hello
    W: Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?
    H: Yes
    W: Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a
    beautiful leather coat. It's absolutely gorgeous! Can I buy it?
    H: What's the price?
    W: Only $1000.
    H: Well, okay, go ahead and get it if you like it that much.
    W: Ahh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2002
    models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman and he gave
    me a really good price...and since we need to exchange the BMW that we
    bought last year...
    H: What price did he quote you?
    W: Only $60,000.
    H: Okay, but for that price, I want it with all the options.
    W: Great! But before we hang up, something else...
    H: What?
    W: It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account
    and I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and I saw the house
    we had looked at last year. It's for sale! Remember the one with a
    pool, English garden, acre of park area and beach front property?
    H: How much are they asking?
    W: Only $450,000, a magnificent price! and I see that we have that much
    in the bank to cover it.
    H. Well, then go ahead and buy it, just bid up to $450,000. Okay?
    W: Okay sweetie, thanks! I'll see you later! I love you.
    H: Bye, I love you too.
    The man hangs up and closes the phone's flap. The other men are looking
    at him in astonishment and derision.
    The husband raises his hand while holding the phone and asks,
    "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

  8. #58
    Confusion Master
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    Enforcer's Avatar
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    This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By
    giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally. The
    test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which You
    will have to make a decision. Remember that your answer needs to be
    honest, yet spontaneous. Please scroll down slowly and give due
    consideration to each line.


    THE SITUATION
    You are in New Orleans to be specific.
    There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe
    flooding. This is a flood of biblical proportions. You are photo
    journalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the
    middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless. you're
    trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and people
    swirling around you, some disappearing under the water. Nature is
    unleashing all of its destructive fury.

    THE TEST
    Suddenly you see a man in the water. He is fighting for his life, trying
    not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer. Somehow the man
    looks familiar. You suddenly realize who it is. It's the President,
    George W. Bush. At the same time you notice that the raging waters are
    about to take him under forever. You have two options - you can save the
    life of the President, or you

    Can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death
    of one of the world's most famous men.


    THE QUESTION

    Here's the question, and please give an honest answer.......

    Would you select high contrast colour film?, or would you go with the
    classic simplicity of black and white?

  9. #59
    FLAC Spaghetti's Avatar
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    Black and white - defo
    In da club....

    ALIZEE WANTS YOU.....

    (\__/)
    (='.'=)
    (")_(")
    Bunny's first poo
    __ U

  10. #60
    Variable Bitrate roadhog's Avatar
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    A bloody rough approach, we were out over the sea at about 50 ft. Banking and turning, up and down. Honestly I could have reached out over the wing and washed my underpants... By the time we landed I think everybody wished I had.

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