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Thread: Jokes thread

  1. #61
    Phillie Escalade182's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by roadhog
    A bloody rough approach, we were out over the sea at about 50 ft. Banking and turning, up and down. Honestly I could have reached out over the wing and washed my underpants... By the time we landed I think everybody wished I had.
    it took me a minute to realized you were talking about an airplane.

  2. #62
    Variable Bitrate roadhog's Avatar
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    I was?

  3. #63
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    A man opens his back door to let his dog in. The dog is lying out in the yard, stiff, legs in the air, won't respond. Man panics, puts dog in the car and speeds to the vet.

    Vet examines the dog, says "There is nothing I can do. Your dog is dead."

    Man says "I can't believe it, can you do some tests?"

    Vet gets mean old tomcat from the back room, holds up to dog. The cat hisses, takes a swipe across the dogs nose with his claws. Dog does not respond.

    Vet says "See? Your dog is dead."

    Man says "Can you do another test?"

    Vet gets a golden lab from the back room, which sniffs at the stiff dog, looks up with sad eyes, and gives a mournful sigh.

    Man says "Well, it looks like you were right. What do I owe you?"

    Vet says "$520"

    Man says "$520 just to tell me my dog is dead?"

    Vet says: "$20 for the office visit, $200 for the cat scan and $300 for the lab work."

  4. #64
    FLAC Spaghetti's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bob T1
    A man opens his back door to let his dog in. The dog is lying out in the yard, stiff, legs in the air, won't respond. Man panics, puts dog in the car and speeds to the vet.

    Vet examines the dog, says "There is nothing I can do. Your dog is dead."

    Man says "I can't believe it, can you do some tests?"

    Vet gets mean old tomcat from the back room, holds up to dog. The cat hisses, takes a swipe across the dogs nose with his claws. Dog does not respond.

    Vet says "See? Your dog is dead."

    Man says "Can you do another test?"

    Vet gets a golden lab from the back room, which sniffs at the stiff dog, looks up with sad eyes, and gives a mournful sigh.

    Man says "Well, it looks like you were right. What do I owe you?"

    Vet says "$520"

    Man says "$520 just to tell me my dog is dead?"

    Vet says: "$20 for the office visit, $200 for the cat scan and $300 for the lab work."
    In da club....

    ALIZEE WANTS YOU.....

    (\__/)
    (='.'=)
    (")_(")
    Bunny's first poo
    __ U

  5. #65
    Confusion Master
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    During a visit to the Asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalised.

    "Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

    "Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

    "No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Would you like a room with or without a view?"
    __________________

  6. #66
    Confusion Master
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    Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment, always circle the stain in permanent pen, so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.

    Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand next to the object you wish to view.

    Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

    Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The morning after, you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

    Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.

    Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.

    An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.

    Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken steroids by running a bit slower.

    Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag from the butt of your last one.

    Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know the difference.

    Give comics that 'Pulp Fiction' feel by reading the last frames of Cartoons first, and then read the rest in random order.

    High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

    Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your roof.

    Nissan Micra drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgems anyway, so it may as well look like one.

    A mouse trap placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.

    If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

  7. #67
    Constant Bitrate RPI Geek's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Enforcer
    Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag from the butt of your last one.
    I don't know about other areas, but in the US the word 'fag' has a completely different meaning... It just threw me off for a minute.
    Old plans out the window because of an accident .
    Have: M1-ATX, EPIA M10000, 256MB, 60GB 2.5", slim slot load DVD
    Need: Time, HU integration, ideas for Lilli

  8. #68
    Confusion Master
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    WHAT PART OF YOUR BODY GOES TO HEAVEN FIRST?

    The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning
    and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven, which part

    of your body goes first?"

    Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."

    "Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?"

    Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in
    front of you and God just takes you hands first."

    "What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.

    Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your
    legs."

    The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face "Now, Little

    Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?"

    Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the

    other night. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was
    saying, "Oh God, I'm coming!" If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have

    lost her."

    The nun fainted.

  9. #69
    The Lavender Tie Just
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    10 REASONS WHY LATINOS CAN'T BE TERRORISTS

    1. 8:45 A.M. IS TOO EARLY FOR US TO BE UP.
    2. WE ARE ALWAYS LATE....WE WOULD HAVE MISSESD ALL FOUR FLIGHTS.
    3. PRETTY PEOPLE ON THE PLANE DISTRACT US.
    4. WE WOULD TALK LOUDLY AND BRING ATTENTION TO OURSELVES.
    5. WITH FOOD AND DRINKS ON THE PLANE, WE WOULD FORGET WHY WE ARE
    THERE.
    6. WE TALK WITH OUR HANDS...THEREFORE WE WOULD HAVE TO PUT OUR WEAPONS DOWN.
    7. WE WOULD ALL WANT TO FLY THE PLANE.
    8. WE WOULD ARGUE AND START A FIGHT IN THE PLANE.
    9. WE CAN'T KEEP A SECRET, WE WOULD HAVE TOLD EVERYONE A WEEK BEFORE DOING IT.
    ....AND MY FAVORITE...
    10. WE WOULD HAVE PUT OUR COUNTRY'S FLAG ON THE WINDSHIELD
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Are You A Latino? How Can You Tell For Sure???

    1. If you have ever been hit by a "chancla"

    2. If you ever grew up scared of something called "El Cucui"

    3. If others tell you to stop screaming when you are really just
    talking

    4. If you light a candle to the Virgin Mary on the night before a big

    test

    5. If you use your head to point something out

    6. If you constantly refer to cereal as "con fleys"

    7. If your mother yells at the top of her lungs to call you for
    dinner, despite the fact that it's a one bedroom apartment

    8. If you dance cumbia, merengue, or salsa without the music

    9. If you use "Manteca" instead of olive oil and can't figure out why
    your nalgas (***) are getting bigger

    10. If you are in a five passenger car with seven people in it and a
    person is shouting "Subanse, todavia caben mas!"

    11. If whenever you feel under the weather, you compulsively dab on
    your "Vic's Vapor Rub" all over your pecho and inside your nostrils

    12. If your mom packs your "lonche" everyday even though you've just
    turned 32

    13. If you call the North Americans "gringos" (including Canadians)
    and call all Asian people "chinos" or "chinitos" and you call the corner
    store "the chinito's store"

  10. #70
    Constant Bitrate RPI Geek's Avatar
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    Remember the book 'Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus?' Well, here's a prime example offered by an English professor at Penn.

    "Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story.

    The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking and anything you wish to say must be written on the paper. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."

    The following was actually turned in by two of my English students:

    Rebecca -last name deleted, and Gary - last name deleted.

    --------------------------------------------------------------

    STORY:

    (First paragraph by Rebecca)

    At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile.
    But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.

    ------------------------------------------------------

    (Second paragraph by Gary)

    Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17, he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off, a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

    ----------------------------------------------------------

    (Rebecca)

    He bumped his head and died almost immediately but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her.
    "Why must one lose one^s innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.

    ---------------------------------------------------------

    (Gary)

    Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live.
    Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret Mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid, Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table.
    "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"

    ----------------------------------------------------------

    (Rebecca)

    This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.

    ----------------------------------------------------------

    (Gary)

    Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of *****ING TEA??? Oh no, I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels."

    ----------------------------------------------------------

    (Rebecca)

    *******.

    ----------------------------------------------------------

    (Gary)

    *****.

    ----------------------------------------------------------

    (Rebecca)

    Wanker.

    ----------------------------------------------------------

    (Gary)

    Slut.

    ---------------------------------------------------------

    (Rebecca)

    Get ****ed.

    ----------------------------------------------------------

    (Gary)

    Eat ****.

    --------------------------------------------------------

    (Rebecca)

    **** YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!!

    ----------------------------------------------------------

    (Gary)

    Go drink some tea - whore.

    **********************************************

    (Teacher)

    A+ - I really liked this one.
    Old plans out the window because of an accident .
    Have: M1-ATX, EPIA M10000, 256MB, 60GB 2.5", slim slot load DVD
    Need: Time, HU integration, ideas for Lilli

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