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Thread: Jokes thread

  1. #81
    Variable Bitrate roadhog's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Hampshire UK
    Jerry Springer version - the homo teacher gets jealous and sets Rob's "Wood" on fire; but not before Lauren blows Rob away under the desk...

  2. #82
    Raw Wave tj!2k4's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2004
    well.. good thing it didn't come out as "my wood's already on fire," while staring at her..........

  3. #83
    Constant Bitrate RPI Geek's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2004
    Schenectady, NY
    Dear Husband:

    I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good.

    I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for

    These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.

    Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee.

    You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game.

    You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything.

    Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, what ever the case is, I'm gone.

    P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

    Your EX-Wife

    Dear Ex-Wife:

    Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.

    It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been.

    I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work.

    I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!" But my mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice.

    When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY
    BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.

    I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed $50 from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99.

    After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out.

    So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone.

    Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted.

    My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

    P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother, was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.

    Signed Rich As Hell and Free!
    Old plans out the window because of an accident .
    Have: M1-ATX, EPIA M10000, 256MB, 60GB 2.5", slim slot load DVD
    Need: Time, HU integration, ideas for Lilli

  4. #84
    Raw Wave Rob Withey's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2000
    Bedfordshire, UK
    Quote Originally Posted by RPI Geek
    I don't know about other areas, but in the US the word 'fag' has a completely different meaning... It just threw me off for a minute.
    Yep, you wouldn't want to bum a fag off anyone anywhere but in the uk.
    Old Systems retired due to new car
    New system at design/prototype stage on BeagleBoard.

  5. #85
    FLAC Spaghetti's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2003
    Spagcave, in da UK Today's phrase: J'aime Alizee
    Quote Originally Posted by Rob Withey
    Yep, you wouldn't want to bum a fag off anyone anywhere but in the uk.
    Or smoke a fag...
    In da club....


    Bunny's first poo
    __ U

  6. #86

  7. #87
    Variable Bitrate roadhog's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Hampshire UK
    on that note...

    Two poofs in a bar:
    "Can I push your stool up for you?"

    Two condoms outside a gay bar:
    "Fancy popping inside and getting ****-faced?"

    Two poofs walking past a funeral parlour:
    "Fancy slipping in a cold one?"

  8. #88
    Variable Bitrate roadhog's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Hampshire UK
    A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him.

    The driver, a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the shepherd... "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"

    The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully-grazing flock and calmly answered, "Sure."

    The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his IBM ThinkPad and connected it to a cell phone, then he surfed to a NASA page on the internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sent an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a response.

    Finally, he prints out a 130 page report on his miniaturized printer then turns to the shepherd and says....... "You have exactly 1586 sheep."

    "That is correct; take one of the sheep." said the shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car. Then the shepherd says: "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my animal?"

    "OK, why not." answered the young man. "Clearly, you are an IT consultant." said the shepherd. "That's correct." says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?" "No guessing required." answers the shepherd...

    "You turned up here although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don't know crap about my business.... Now give me back my dog."

  9. #89
    Variable Bitrate roadhog's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Hampshire UK
    On a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded: 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman, 2 French men and 1 French woman, 2 German men and 1 German woman, 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman, 2 English men and 1 English woman, 2 Polish men and 1 Polish woman, 2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman, 2 Australian men and 1 Australian woman, 2 New Zealander men and 1 New Zealander woman, 2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman, 2 American men and 1 American woman. One month later, the following things have occurred....

    One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
    The two French men and the French woman are living happily together, having loads of sex.
    The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman.
    The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
    The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
    The Polish men took a long look at the endless ocean and one look at the Polish woman and they started swimming.
    The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for instructions.
    The two Australian men beat each other senseless fighting over the Australian woman, who called them both “bloody wankers” and is checking out all the other men.
    Both New Zealand men are searching the island for sheep.
    The Irish began by dividing the island into North and South and setting up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut whiskey, but they are satisfied in that at least the English are not getting any.
    The American woman keeps on *****ing about her body being her own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, about the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinions and treated her much nicer and how her relationship with her mother is mproving. The two American men have committed suicide.

  10. #90
    The Lavender Tie Just
    Made It Obvious
    Rafster's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2003
    San Diego, CA
    How To Shower Like a Woman:

    Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

    Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.

    Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

    Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

    Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.

    Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

    Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

    Rinse conditioner off hair.

    Shave armpits and legs.

    Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.

    Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

    Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

    How To Shower Like a Man:

    Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

    Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-hoo' sound.

    Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ***.

    Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits.

    Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

    Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

    Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

    Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.

    Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Pee.

    Rinse off and get out of shower.

    Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.

    Admire wiener size in mirror again.

    Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.

    Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-hoo' sound again.

    Throw wet towel on bed.

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