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Thread: Jokes thread

  1. #1
    Tainted Love Cris's Avatar
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    Jokes thread

    I'll start:

    An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup when the doctor asked how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an 18 year old bride whos pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?" The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day he went out in a bit of a hurry and accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun." the doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle." "And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried. Dumbfounded, the old man replied, "no." The doctor continued, "the bear dropped dead in front of him." "thats impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "someone else must of shot the bear." "Thats kind of what I'm getting at," replied the doctor.

  2. #2
    Tainted Love Cris's Avatar
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    5 toughest questions for men...
    The questions are:
    1. What are you thinking about?
    2. Do you love me?
    3. Do I look fat?
    4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
    5. What would you do if I died?
    What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e.; tells the truth).
    Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.
    Question # 1: What are you thinking about?
    The proper answer to this, of course, is:
    "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was
    just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you
    are, and how lucky I am to have met you."
    This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:
    a. Baseball.
    b. Football.
    c. How fat you are.
    d. How much prettier she is than you.
    e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.
    (Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!")

    Question # 2: Do you love me?
    The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is
    in order, "Yes, dear."
    Inappropriate responses include:
    a. Oh Yeah, **** loads.
    b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
    c. That depends on what you mean by love.
    d. Does it matter?
    e. Who, me?

    Question # 3: Do I look fat?
    The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!"
    Among the incorrect answers are:
    a. Compared to what?
    b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
    c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
    d. I've seen fatter.
    e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

    Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me?
    Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!"
    Incorrect responses include:
    a. Yes, but you have a better personality
    b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner
    c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age
    d. Define pretty
    e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

    Question# 5: What would you do if I died?
    A definite no-win question (The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Corvette."). No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along these lines:

    WOMAN: Would you get married again?
    MAN: Definitely not!
    WOMAN: Why not - don't you like being married?
    MAN: Of course I do.
    WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
    MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.
    WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
    MAN: Yes, I would.
    WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
    MAN: Where else would we sleep?
    WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
    MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
    WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
    MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed

  3. #3
    Poet Laureate rustyboxx's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Cris
    WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
    MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed
    Only true postwhores remember everything they post

    REP CLUB IS DEAD
    LONG LIVE REP CLUB

  4. #4
    My Village Called 0l33l's Avatar
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    A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he opened the door, a truck came along, and completely tore off the driver's door! The attorney immediately grabbed his cell phone, hit speed dial for 911, and had a policeman there in 3 minutes.

    Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. He had just picked up the Lexus the day before, and now it would never be the same, no matter how good a job the body shop does.

    After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. " You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

    "How can you say such a thing?" he responded indignantly.

    The cop replied, "You didn't even notice that your left arm is missing from the elbow down! It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

    "OH, NO!" screamed the lawyer in shock. "Where is my Rolex?!"

  5. #5
    My Village Called 0l33l's Avatar
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    A woman bought a new Lexus LS430, and returned the next day,
    complaining that she couldn't figure out how the radio worked.

    The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.

    Watch this! he said.."Nelson!" The radio replied, Ricky or Willie?

    "Willie!" he continued....and On The Road Again came from the speakers.

    The woman drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time
    she'd say, "Beethoven!" she'd get beautiful classical music, and if she said, "Beatles!" she'd get one of their awesome songs.

    One day, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed her new car,
    but she swerved in time to avoid them. "ASSHOLES!" she yelled.....

    The French National Anthem began to play, sung by Jane Fonda and Michael Moore, backed up by John Kerry on guitar, Al Gore on drums and Bill Clinton on sax.

  6. #6
    My Village Called 0l33l's Avatar
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    A lady walks into a Lexus dealership. She browses around, then spots the perfect car and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her.

    Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now. As she turns back, there standing next to her is a salesman.

    "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?" Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"

    He answers, "Madame, I'm very sorry to say that if you farted just touching it, you are going to **** when you hear the price."

  7. #7
    FLAC edrex's Avatar
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    How do you get a nun pregnant?







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  8. #8
    Newbie hot_98_civic's Avatar
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    Female Jokes

    How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened when she brings it.

    Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

    Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

    Why do men fart more than women? Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

    What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman who won't do what she's told.

    I married a Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

    Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

    How do you turn a dishwasher into a snow blower? Give her a shovel


  9. #9
    Top Ramen lgbr's Avatar
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    What would you never hear a redneck say? Can't feed that to the dog

    How do you put an elephant in a refrigerator? Open the door, put him in, close the door.

    How do you put a giraffe in a refrigerator? Open the door, take the elephant out, put the giraffe in, close the door.

    Find yourself a victim and try this:

    You: 50% of men masturbate in the shower, 50% sing in the shower. What do they sing?
    Him: I don't know.
    You: That's what I thought.
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  10. #10
    Confusion Master
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    Question : Does Boris know any jokes that DON'T involve a Lexus?



    Answer: No all Lexus's are jokes.



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