Jokes thread

[Cris]

I'll start:

An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup when the doctor asked how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an 18 year old bride whos pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?" The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day he went out in a bit of a hurry and accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun." the doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle." "And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried. Dumbfounded, the old man replied, "no." The doctor continued, "the bear dropped dead in front of him." "thats impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "someone else must of shot the bear." "Thats kind of what I'm getting at," replied the doctor.

[Cris]

5 toughest questions for men...
The questions are:
1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?
What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e.; tells the truth).
Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.
Question # 1: What are you thinking about?
The proper answer to this, of course, is:
"I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was
just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you
are, and how lucky I am to have met you."
This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:
a. Baseball.
b. Football.
c. How fat you are.
d. How much prettier she is than you.
e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.
(Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!")

Question # 2: Do you love me?
The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is
in order, "Yes, dear."
Inappropriate responses include:
a. Oh Yeah, **** loads.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love.
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?

Question # 3: Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!"
Among the incorrect answers are:
a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I've seen fatter.
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me?
Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!"
Incorrect responses include:
a. Yes, but you have a better personality
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age
d. Define pretty
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question# 5: What would you do if I died?
A definite no-win question (The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Corvette."). No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along these lines:

WOMAN: Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not - don't you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
MAN: Yes, I would.
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed

[rustyboxx]

Quote: Originally Posted by Cris

WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed

[0l33l]

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he opened the door, a truck came along, and completely tore off the driver's door! The attorney immediately grabbed his cell phone, hit speed dial for 911, and had a policeman there in 3 minutes.

Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. He had just picked up the Lexus the day before, and now it would never be the same, no matter how good a job the body shop does.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. " You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" he responded indignantly.

The cop replied, "You didn't even notice that your left arm is missing from the elbow down! It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"OH, NO!" screamed the lawyer in shock. "Where is my Rolex?!"

[0l33l]

A woman bought a new Lexus LS430, and returned the next day,
complaining that she couldn't figure out how the radio worked.

The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.

Watch this! he said.."Nelson!" The radio replied, Ricky or Willie?

"Willie!" he continued....and On The Road Again came from the speakers.

The woman drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time
she'd say, "Beethoven!" she'd get beautiful classical music, and if she said, "Beatles!" she'd get one of their awesome songs.

One day, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed her new car,
but she swerved in time to avoid them. "ASSHOLES!" she yelled.....

The French National Anthem began to play, sung by Jane Fonda and Michael Moore, backed up by John Kerry on guitar, Al Gore on drums and Bill Clinton on sax.

[0l33l]

A lady walks into a Lexus dealership. She browses around, then spots the perfect car and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now. As she turns back, there standing next to her is a salesman.

"Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?" Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"

He answers, "Madame, I'm very sorry to say that if you farted just touching it, you are going to **** when you hear the price."

[edrex]

How do you get a nun pregnant?







You **** her.





Whats better then winning the Special Olympics?





Not being retarded.

[hot_98_civic]

How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened when she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

Why do men fart more than women? Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman who won't do what she's told.

I married a Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

How do you turn a dishwasher into a snow blower? Give her a shovel

[lgbr]

What would you never hear a redneck say? Can't feed that to the dog

How do you put an elephant in a refrigerator? Open the door, put him in, close the door.

How do you put a giraffe in a refrigerator? Open the door, take the elephant out, put the giraffe in, close the door.

Find yourself a victim and try this:

You: 50% of men masturbate in the shower, 50% sing in the shower. What do they sing?
Him: I don't know.
You: That's what I thought.

[Enforcer]

Question : Does Boris know any jokes that DON'T involve a Lexus?



Answer: No all Lexus's are jokes.

[RS3RS]

Two men walked into a bar.


You'd think the second one would have ducked.

[Cris]

There is a mirror in a women's restroom in a restauraunt. If you say something truthful while looking into the mirror, you will receive 1 wish. If you say some that's not truthful the mirror will suck you in.
First this fine looking brunette walks in. She takes a look at herself in the mirror and says, "I think I'm the prettiest women in the world." And just like that she's sucked in.
Next this amazingly beautiful brown-haired women saunters in, looks in the mirror, and says, "I think I'm the prettiest women in the world." Of course, the mirror sucks her in.
Next this fine looking, pencil thin black-haired women walks in, looks at herself in the mirror, and says, "I think I'm the prettiest women in the world." She's sucked into the mirror with the rest of them.
Then the cutest little blonde you've ever seen walks in, looks at herself in the mirror, and says, "I think..." And she's sucked in herself.

[tj!2k4]

What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?













Nothing, you already told her twice!

[migel628]

A blonde is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory. The personnel manager explains her duties, and tells her to report to work promptly at 8:00 AM. The next day at 8:45AM, there’s a knock at the personnel manager’s door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee. He says she’s incredibly slow, and the whole line is backing up. The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem. Sure enough, Elmos are backed up all over the place. At the end of the line is the new employee. She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles, and starts sewing the little package between Elmo’s legs. The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically. After several minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman, and says, “I’m sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.”

[migel628]

My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year when we decided to
get married. My parents helped us in every way, and my friends encouraged
me.

My girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me. That one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight miniskirts, and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me, and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day I went to pick up the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she could not overcome and did not really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and could not say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.

When she reached the top, she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house and walked straight toward my car.

My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We could not ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!"

The moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car