I got it
First i was getting it working on my office PC. The problem with that mainly, was the GPRS modem settings, in the PHONE was not on "Internet"
it was on "internet" (lower case) hard to believe yes it makes a difference!
And on the PC in the car, i had major driver hassles, finally got a new driver for the IR dongle, and then the windows connection wouldnt work, but then just for laughs I tried the dodgy Nokia software - and it worked!
thanks for any help people have given me here anyway